This Could Be What Matters Most
One thing I've been noticing as I've been out and about, an uptick if you will: People are kinder.
And, interestingly I'm not the only one in my circle noticing this. More than a few have mentioned it in some form as well. This, while so much divisiveness permeates the air around us. A swell is taking place. A swell of kindness.
A kind word in the elevator. People taking their time to lend a hand. Or, waiting patiently in line while encouraging someone else to go first, whether it's at a restaurant or in traffic. And, it's not just words, but kinder expressions, kinder eyes. Simple smiles.
There's a subtle, larger effort being expressed. A yearning for a gentler nature being embodied.
Whatever it's been, it's been palpable. Have you noticed it?
In fact, if you Google that particular hashtag, #KindnessMatters, there's a lovely slew of initiatives and websites trumpeting the power and longevity of kindness. There were 463,000 results in .58 seconds. Some offer 30-day challenges, others inspiring stories, still others longterm initiatives with real, positive effects, changes made, lives improved..
It could be what matters most. Kindness.
It may seem trite to say this, but it gives me hope. And, it raises a bigger hope that people can and will settle into their natural states of being, that of soulful, loving, yearning creatures. Maybe a bit of a pipe dream, but there's a swell that I think is worth noting, and celebrating.
Kindness provides a much needed and solid footing, a foundation from which to meet and greet the less-than-kind assaults that seem to drag down the ether, to stench the air we, at times, feel forced to breathe.
Kindness is the air freshener.
Kindness is the helium that will raise the otherwise heavy, negative energies; that will raise the ether, the very consciousness of society.
Kindness is love, understanding and compassion in action.
One might think of being kind as being a pushover. I would posit it's just the opposite. Kindness is a force, an essence and intention that elevates the conversation, the negotiation, the deal.
Kindness weeds out the petty, frankly eating the petty for lunch along with a nice, crisp Rosé or meaty Cab. I jest, but the phrase, "kill them with kindness" does come to mind. The term "kill them with kindness" sparks back to the 1500's, when it referred to a mother ape who hugged her babies so hard she, well, killed them. Okay, let's not go there.
Miriam defines this phrase as "to cause discomfort to someone by treating him or her in a way that is extremely kind or helpful. Instead of returning the insult, you might try killing them with kindness."
Contemporary useful applications of this notion suggest this: Utilize kindness as a tool to diminish or diffuse (kill) the negativity, rudeness, pettiness or hate of the situation. So that eventually, the person(s) has the choice to align with the kindness, that which is innate within his or herself. A choice to situate with their own better angels. If they don't make that choice, then you have the choice to deal with it or move on.
Kindness in its authenticity, is true power.
Kindness is a choice. While it's true some people seem to have more of an easy kindness about them, we all have it in us, and we all can make the choice to be kind.
I recently saw the musical, "Come From Away," set in the week following 9/11. It tells the true story of what happened when 38 planes were ordered to land outside the small Newfoundland town of Gander. 7,000 scared and confused passengers descended on the town. "Cultures clashed and tensions were high," but the townspeople took on the arduous task of caring for them, figuring it out as they went along. What rose like heat from this story was the magnitude of kindness that bolstered them all. The depth of their humanity brought us all to tears.
Kindness. Kindness transcends labels. And, titles. And, status. It is an equalizer, second to none.
Kindness is contagious and spreads like wildfire.
That's why I'm thinking kindness could be what matters most. So, perhaps a leading question to ask ourselves whenever we have any type of interaction: how would kindness begin this? Or respond?
Or simply utter the mantra #KindnessMatters. It really kinda does.
Photo by Sandrachile . on Unsplash
Flip the Switch To Reveal the 2019 Word of the Year
There's quite a bit that goes into choosing a word for the year. Inspiration, feeling the need to improve on something or selecting a greater theme that will help to powerfully guide the next twelve months, are all factors that weigh in while narrowing down the word. I find it enthralling, particularly since it becomes a writing guidepost as well.
My word for 2019: Mindfulness
I tossed around several words, and what I found is that underneath each of the intentional words I was drawn to, was the running current of mindfulness. In other words to successfully embody anything empowering, one must be mindful to attain it.
Mindfulness is a word that is loaded and is bandied about a lot. So, let's unpack it.
Often, for me, being mindful is what I think of after I do something that is usually a result of not being mindful. Such as when I grabbed a banana instead of my keys as I walked out my front door. It wasn't until after I locked myself out of the house and noticed the banana in my hand that I said, "Cindy! Pay attention. You need to be more mindful." Or after I tripped and twisted my ankle because I wasn't being mindful about my footing. Or when I've inhaled my meal, not really tasting it.
So, my intention by picking Mindfulness as my 2019 word, is to being mindful as a forethought rather than an afterthought. Like buying insurance before you need it, rather than regretting not having purchased it when you realize you're unfortunately caught without it.
What does it mean to be mindful? To my way of thinking, it's being fully present and engaged, while making a thought or action that serves the moment's highest good. And, then doing it again and again.
Mindfulness and meditation teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn says, "Mindfulness is presence of heart."
He illustrates this with the Chinese symbol for mindfulness. The top symbol means presence and the lower symbol means heart. Presence of heart.
Flip the Switch
Kabat-Zinn describes mindfulness as turning off the automatic pilot. Continually returning to the present. I like that. It's a simple switch. It's not a constant "on" switch. In other words you don't stay in a state of mindfulness. You return to a state of mindfulness.
Kind of takes the pressure off, don't you think? The invitation is always there to be in mindfulness, we just have to flip the switch in the moment.
It's also defined as “The practice of maintaining a nonjudgmental state of heightened or complete awareness of one’s thoughts, emotions, or experiences on a moment-to-moment basis.”
There are certain attitudes and self-regulating indicators present when one is mindful. That of being open, curious and accepting.
Mindful.org is a wonderful place to be reminded and inspired. They say “Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.”
Mindfulness solidifies strong character by causing us to slow down and think before speaking and acting.
Mindfulness fosters creativity by weeding out the superfluous and extraneous clutter.
In his book, "The Miracle of Mindfulness: An Introduction to the Practice of Meditation," Thich Nhat Hanh says, “Many people are alive but don't touch the miracle of being alive... Mindfulness is like that—it is the miracle which can call back in a flash our dispersed mind and restore it to wholeness so that we can live each minute of life.”
He also says, “Mindfulness shows us what is happening in our bodies, our emotions, our minds, and in the world. Through mindfulness, we avoid harming ourselves and others.”
Mindfulness generates kindness. Kindness was going to be my word of the year, and then I realized that kindness is an essence and expression that is also generated from mindfulness. So, I played with that a bit and expanded my platform. While mindfulness is the word of the year, kindness is the theme. I intend to infuse everything with kindness and to recognize and celebrate kindness in others. Mindfully, of course.
Which led to a rather delicious portmanteau, and the name of my 2019 platform: Kindfulness. The state of mindfully being kind, being fully present in the act of kindness.
So, I pledge to be mindful, return to mindfulness, about, well everything. Such as:
Start the day mindfully by meditating, journaling.
Make mindful choices that stem from kindness to self, to the group think and to the greater good.
Engage in mindful thought, actions and conversations.
Be mindful in my to-do lists, keeping them clutter-free and on purpose.
I'm already noticing mindfulness and kindness - kindfulness - at work in my daily life. I'm leaning in to wherever this takes me.
What's your word or theme for 2019? My wish for you is a mindful exploration for one that feeds your soul and elevates your year.
Title Photo by Artem Bali on Unsplash
Some Healthy Year-End Perspective
Me, enjoying the perspective, at a Palm Springs overlook
Sometimes to move powerfully forward it’s helpful to examine with perspicacity what’s in the rearview mirror. The truth is we can’t drive skillfully without that rearview mirror.
It turns out this was a good year to gain perspective. Perspective was my word for 2018 and it proved to be useful as I landed there, time and time again. I kept reminding myself to pull back and to look at a situation through a different lens, to heed a microscopic, eye level or eagle view. It often led to epiphanies, large and small.
So as part of my year-end perspective I thought I’d use all of those lenses to reflect, glean and analyze what I learned and then let go of what’s not useful anymore. It’s using that gut instinct (what felt good and what didn’t) that we all have, to discern what to take into 2019 and what to leave in good ole 2018. It takes a bit of patience to cull through the cornucopia of hills and valleys in order to mine the jewels and the evergreen value, but if you take pen to paper, add a little curiosity, and allow the awe and the grime rise to the surface then pretty soon you’ll have a list of lessons that resonate.
For me, what shines through now are the gifts that came from the lows that then bolstered the highs. Here are some of mine. Hopefully it will inspire some of yours as well.
Life Is Buoyant
It was between the fray and the calm, when subtle inner whispers crescendoed, where it continually became apparent how buoyant life is.
Creativity is My Phoenix
On day 28 my laptop was stolen, which felt like a virtual house on fire, primarily because it wasn’t backed up. And, on day 38 I found myself in deep gratitude for the phoenix that rose from the ashes. That phoenix was my creativity, it’s what saved me.
I found that gratitude floats, as does love. Lighter than air, they are both high vibrations. And, when we infuse some gratitude and love into our down times of sadness, grief, low self-esteem – all low vibrations – it can’t help but raise our spirits. Sometimes it’s simply a question: What am I grateful for right now in this experience? What can I love about myself right now? Then, wait for a soft feeling of relief. We are resilient creatures and gratitude and love are what make us so.
Love is Unstoppable
With so much negativity that pervaded our national psyche this past year, it was the greater love, agape love, that got so many of us through. Surging love for ourselves, from ourselves to the greater love of all we hold dear is what helped. It’s become a movement; talking about lifting ideas, spreading kindness and focusing on what’s good in others and in our lives. That’s a perennial movement worth carrying forward.
We all have the capacity for that kind of love.
Self-Healing is Self-Evident
While I, and so many of my peeps, talked about aches and pains, none compared to what I watched my dear friend go through when she became very ill this year. I felt helpless as I witnessed her mysterious ailments multiply and as her team of doctors grew. It was scary for her and all who love her. Thankfully, after weeks of tests it was not a dire prognosis and her condition is one that is manageable. There have been days when getting out of bed was a chore, yet I continue to marvel at her and her strong will and constitution. And, her dedication to self-healing. She actively engages her health team and her circle of friends and family. It’s been a journey for all of us, as we dove into TLC with a vengeance, and it was a testament to staying fervently on the road.
Stretch Beyond Personal Horizons
Travel was a captivating part of my year, making a cross-country road trip with my sister, traversing the Loire Valley of France with dear friends and taking a Mexican cruise with my parents. Each took me out of my little bubble of comfort and stretched my horizons, not just the travel aspect of it, but looking for the whimsy, while leaning into new rhythms and contrasts truly elevated my life experience. More of that please!
Focus of Where You’re Relentless
As a person who has a to-do list that’s much too long, there were times when I didn’t feel like I was accomplishing all that I wanted to do. But, as I sit here on the bridge between 2018 & 2019, writing down all that I did do, it’s evident that the relentless passions that fuel my soul are what drove my year’s high points, and are what are catapulting me into 2019. And, what I say to myself about those key items that didn’t get done, I say: “Not yet.” I also say, to quote a dear friend of mine, “streamline.” In other words, remove some of those things from the never-ending to-do list that only drag down the anticipation of the yet.
Going through this year-end perspective exercise will make trimming the to-do list so much easier. Whatever I’m not relentless about goes away. Avocations become more vocational.
Simplicity and staying centered on what fascinates and enriches my life, these are what I’m carrying forward. Being intentional, with hopefully a little luck thrown in for measure.
One thing I really enjoyed over the year was my Quick Sunday Read newsletter where I included a Word of the Week, a word that was floating around in the zeitgeist, words that were examined and reframed into interesting uses. I used all of the year’s words in this post to honor that! They are underlined (unlinked). The only one I haven’t used yet is portmanteau, a word than means a mashup of two or more words that then creates another word. I was trying to think of one that would be great to end with, just for shiggles.
So, before I ring off to watch my favorite dramedy, I decided to chillax, ponder an emoticon or two (decided that was Jabberwocky) and just say, hope you had a great year filled with much goodness that you look forward to carrying into next year.
And, thank you so much for reading and sharing Thought Changer. It means the world.
Life is a Laboratory
In a recent discussion with a group of seekers, we were talking about a new thought concept, a mindset shift. It was a challenge for some of us. I said it's an experiment, just try it on for size, see how it fits.
It got me thinking about how life is really made up of a series of experiments. When you think about it, life is a laboratory.
A laboratory is the place where the scientist explores, experiments, gets messy, fails, tries again and then reorganizes and experiments again.
Life is the open space, the playground, the highway, the laboratory when we experiment within our human experience. We're always experimenting, as our own life scientist, trying things on to see if they fit.
Whether it's a new shampoo or sweater, or a different car make, or a different route to work, or a fresh perspective, or a different part of the world, or a new thought pattern that leads to a different action, or a new relationship or a new way of being in a current relationship, or a new career path, or a new word we haven't used before.
Try. Fail. Try again. Succeed.
One of the most important aspects of the laboratory is the notion that a failure is an integral part of the experiment. It's not, necessarily, a dead end. But rather, a failure provides answers and clues as to where to go next and where not to go next.
Have you found yourself quitting because you hit a wall, or got a no, or couldn't find the solution, or because success hasn't come? If the answer's yes, trust me you're not alone.
Thomas Edison said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." If he didn't believe in the laboratory which included failure, would he have discovered electricity? Probably not. He also said, "I've never done a day's work in my life. It was all fun." So there's that!
Or Einstein. He said, "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." If he wouldn't have allowed and embraced failure as fuel in his laboratory he would not have discovered the Theory of Relativity. He also said, "Failure is success in progress."
[Related: "6 Reasons Why Progress, Not Perfection"]
Or Henry Ford. Or Madame Curie. Or DaVinci. Or JK Rowling. Or Beethoven. Or Lady Gaga. Or Steve Jobs. Or Mother Teresa. Or Oprah Winfrey. Or Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Or Sally Ride, who said, "All adventures, especially into new territory are scary." The list goes on. And on. And on.
Embrace the Yet
Yet it such a lovely word! And, yet is an important tool to use in your life laboratory. The yet is encouragement. The yet is taking failure and reframing it into a phase, a phase that's part of progress. Yet is progress. "It hasn't happen, yet."
Life is a laboratory.
So, experiment. Play. Explore. Fail. Embrace the yet... Experiment some more. Brainstorm. Change. Succeed.
[Related: "The Trifecta of Failure"]
[Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash]
One year older. In anticipation of my birthday, I got a facial chemical peel, doing what I can to trick the aging clock. Or at the very least make myself feel a bit better as I elevate into another year.
Day three, I looked a bit like the Walking Dead. Skin cracking with every smile and grimace. And, peeling. Ay caramba. Peeling. Peeling off the dead and used skin to make room for the new. I tried helping it along, but the last bits seemed to be gripping on for dear life. Finally shedding when they were good and ready.
I took myself for a massage and afterward ran some errands where I got into a lengthy conversation with an adorable bud tender at a dispensary. I had a fleeting thought about the fact that I wasn’t wearing a stitch of makeup, something I would have never done not too long ago, not to mention the fact that I was still peeling like an orange.
And, it hit me. I didn’t care. In the past I would have gone out of my way to explain the peeling, etc. To explain and apologize for myself.
I was undone.
And, have to say I felt pretty damn good about it. As I approached this birthday in my 5th decade, I thought, isn't that kind of the goal, to be gloriously undone? That all of the work we do on ourselves as we mature in life, is really about becoming undone? Peeling back the layers of all of the various conditioning we’ve spent a lifetime applying. Because what is revealed, or left, when we’re peeled, undone, is nothing short of our true self.
As I noodle on my annual birthday post, culling shareable lessons I’ve learned, I’m thinking about what I’m shedding, what I’ve let go of at this point in my life, things I just don’t care about anymore, that no longer trigger reactions, internal nor external. And, also what I’m still gripping onto, old paradigms that still feel safe or patterned, no matter how stale and old they might seem. Some are new discoveries and all of them are snippets of truth.
It feels cathartic and appropriate, and at once welcome and dreaded.
Paying attention to how our body reacts. It’s often the best clue to our truth.
I’ve noticed that sometimes the first clue telling you whether you’re done with something, or not - whether it’s a habit, fear or behavior - is when you see it others. It got me thinking. When you see it so loudly in others, is it because it's echoing loudly within you as something you need to pay attention to, to work through? Or does it mean, seeing it so clearly play out in another, that you’re done with it in yourself, you’re ready to move on?
I would posit it’s both. If it’s a feeling of internal discomfort, like a stomach ache or feeling of agitation, then it’s likely a trigger telling you that it mirrors something in you, either something that you do or something you don’t. If you just feel done and it doesn't trigger a reaction, then you've processed it, moved past it.
A fellow meditator in Insight Timer had this quote next to her name: “Seeking and finding all the barriers within.” Indeed.
One that came up for me recently happened when I was with a friend who was asking for help in promoting her upcoming course, a course I’ve taken three times so really believe in. This woman is a very powerful asker. She easily puts it out there and asks often. It gave me a stomach ache. I shared this with her because that’s what we do with each other, putting it out in the open to examine.
Because, what this was, was a gift of discovery. I was uncomfortable with her powerful ask because I’m not comfortable asking. This isn’t new information. But, what was new is the first big lesson this past year I want to share.
Some Lessons in Un-ing
Not in an I’m-sorry-I-hurt-you kind of an apology. But, in the deep-rooted apology that we sometimes carry in our energy. Where we’re apologizing for ourselves. Do you catch yourself saying “I’m sorry” when it wasn’t really warranted? I’ve done it at times. And I cringe now when I see others do it as well. I see how it diminishes them, like they’re apologizing for their very existence.
My big aha came when I realized there are times when my ask has an apology built into it. Where I don’t say the words, but my energy is “I’m sorry, but do you have time to meet with me?” “I’m sorry but can I send you my script?” “I’m sorry, but do you have time to talk?” It’s disempowering and paralyzing. And, not an ask that requires a powerful positive response.
It’s apologizing for yourself in a way that hits one of the most basic core fears. I’m not enough. It’s fulfilling early conditioning of not wanting to impose ourselves on others.
My friend, the powerful asker, said that when she asks, she’s not thinking about herself, she’s thinking about what she’s sharing and how much it’s going to help the person or groups of people she’s asking. It’s a much more powerful intention behind the ask. It’s not a question if she’s enough.
So, no more apologizing. BTW, I have a stomach ache as I’m writing that. Hey, I’m working on it… Understanding it deeply, acknowledging it outloud, is the first step toward letting it go. Be unapologetic.
Releasing the need to prove yourself to anyone, including yourself, that’s being undefended. It’s truly shedding all pretenses and language that are used in defending yourself or proving your position.
Next time you feel the urge to say something like, “I’ve known that for a long time,” or “I’m the one who told her/him about that/to do that long before this person said…,” or “I’m better at…” take a closer look.
Here’s an invitation to take a look at your motive for saying it. Even if it’s the truth. Ask yourself, are you asking it to prove something? To defend yourself? Are you looking for some kind of validation? If so, try not saying it. Be undefended. Remove your guards. Can you imagine how much more real our relationships would be, as undefended? Be undefended.
“With an undefended heart we can fall in love with life over and over, every day.” Tara Brach
“Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear.”
When you put yourself in the middle of someone else’s situation because you want to help, it’s easy to get emotionally entangled. It can be hard to extract yourself once you’ve placed yourself there. A dear old friend is in town this week and we got in a great discussion about this. She's the one who shed a powerful light on this notion of enmeshing and its ramifications. The process of becoming un-enmeshed starts with setting emotional boundaries for yourself, where you are still compassionate and helpful, but with a healthy detachment. Be un-enmeshed.
When no is just a no, or a yes is just a yes, without feeling the need to explain why you’re saying no or yes, that’s freedom. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Try it. Thank you, but no. No more unnecessary explaining. Be unexplained.
Where you feeling burdened? To be unencumbered is to be burden-less. When something is burdening, look at what you’re receiving from it, because you’re receiving something or you wouldn’t be doing it, or allowing it.
If it’s unhealthy, unburden yourself. If you can’t, if it’s very real obligation, sometimes it’s a simple shift in feeling or intention. Are you providing a service, something that’s serving someone else’s highest good? Unencumbering is either releasing the burden or reframing it in a way that serves. Be unencumbered.
I really felt this one at my class reunion this year. I found it fascinating to hear about what old classmates have done in their lives, and while the launching pad may have been “what do you do?” it became, for me, about their passions and what still brings a sparkle to their eyes. I didn’t care in the least about what some may have perceived as labels, or accomplishments that came with labels.
I had a slight trepidation heading into the event as I wore one of my labels across my forehead - childless - as so often the discussion would turn to family. But, I quickly realized that I was the one who placed it there and I was the only one focused on it. Letting that go and just being present erased the label. The truth is, I am, but it’s not a label. It’s a important part of me that has shaped my path.
I also noticed how some, one in particular, fell back into old labels. “That was my nemesis in high school,” dredging up old resentments that clearly still weighed. That one was really loud, as in I’m so done with that. Let it go, it was forty years ago! So, be unlabeled.
“Supposed to” is passive, as in it’s a directive that’s happening to me, rather than a directive I’m helping navigate. It means ”I’m not the one in charge." As if someone or something else is dictating. It reflects the feeling of "required to", as in, follow the rules. It's confining, rigid. You’re not “supposed to” do anything. Making it more about your intention or deep desire is empowering and self-directive. Be un-supposed.
So, on my birthday I’m embracing the un’s. Because, what’s left, shining and fresh and real as a resulting of the un-doning, is the feeling of true self-ness, that of self love.
It is the best gift you can give yourself. Any day. Any time.
Encouraging quote, inspiring quote, Light quote, love, self worth, confidence, self love quote, Morgan Harper Nichols, short quotes, comparison quote, competition quote, insecurity quote, self doubt quote