Madison (WI) - Hater-in-chief is lazy. Hater-in-chief is busy. Hater-in-chief has plenty of ideas for content but somehow no time to implement them. And despite what you think, Hating does not generate enough revenue to drop all other pursuits. So what do you, precious Reader, get instead? Mailbag.
hey! that guy sleeping on the bench is my husband!
Erin is of course referring to this picture:
Sleeping dude is actually a real dude
which was found in that devastating post of ours, cleverly entitled More Mailbag!
So Erin, you might be wondering why we included a picture of your dear hubby in our blog. Well, this gets back to the "we are lazy" bit above: we simply searched google images
for sleeping dudes. Your hubby, apparently, is the first such picture that did not entirely creep us out. So consider it a compliment of sorts, from this wondrous website to you and yours. You're welcome! And Erin herself remains a mystery. Could it be Erin Andrews? Erin Brockovich? Hurricane Erin?
The world may never know.
Will the real Erin please stand up?
Due to our increased import in the online media world, we also received this tidbit from our buddy Tom, apparently a high-roller in the realm of Men's Magazines:
In an effort to ease US/Russian relations, Maxim.com has sent its editors to Moscow’s Red Square in order to capture some of the country’s most beautiful sights. Now THAT’S diplomacy!
Maxim Goes to Russia
Now, who among us isn't impressed by Maxim's efforts to reach out to our Russian comrades? Let's hope they get involved with the middle east next.
Finally, we have Paul, who writes:
I'm a die hard Jets Fan, and I think I hate the PATS more than you!
I think I'm buying a shirt.
Dear Paul: you may be a die hard Jets fan (though a clear sign of insanity). You may also hate the Pats (a clear sign of immense intelligence). But there is no way in this dear life that you hate the Pats more than we do. Please read our hundreds of other blog posts to see why. And yes, buy more shirts!
That final piece of wisdom, Paul, shows us you are a real man of genius.
Mr. Jet-lovin-Pat-hating-Tshirt-buying-website reader...
Madison (INEPT) - The letters keep flowing. They make a simple point, repeatedly. It is best summarized by John:
I am a frequent visitor to IHateTheNewEnglandPatriots.com and an avid hater. Ever since the 2001 AFC Championship I have hated Belichick and Brady more than life itself.
I figured there would be tons of updates after the start of the NFL season and especially with Brady going out for the season, but nothing. I waited a week to see if there would be any updates and couldn't stand it any longer. Please tell me the site will live on. It has to.
Dear John (and others): There is a simple reply to this. Have we been sitting around, doing nothing, while this new football season lives on? No, John, no sir.
Have we been sleeping? Well, maybe.
So, the astute reader might ask, what exactly have we been doing? Simple. We have been mustering our troops, reinforcing our weaknesses. The game films are being broken down, and new strategies being formed. Questions? They are being answered. Doubts? Removed. And now, after the new Undefeated season has again become Defeated
(by the mighty Fins, no less), we are summarized by one clear word: Back. That's right, our friends. We. Are. Back.
More mail, this time from long-time reader, first-time mailbagger Joe:
Was injuring Brady really necessary, hex man?
Well, this is at least an easy one to answer. Yes. First, we tried simple curses. No luck. Then, a series of prayers, one in each of the major religions.
Apparently, those gods have no ears for such desires. Finally, a successful strategy:
How Tom's Injury Happened
A simple poke to the knee, and we were done. And to all you Haters out there: you're welcome.
Finally, a more business-minded letter. Bryan writes:
I am interested in purchasing one to two simple text links on your website's homepage. How much would you charge for that?
How much, for access to the legions of Haters out there that this site has so carefully bred over these past four years? How much, for direct connect to an army of T-shirt buying, bad-website
-reading, probably jobless teenagers? How much, you ask? Well, not much. Make an offer.
We're in the Money.
Coming soon: A discussion of the Fiasco in
Foxboro. The ghosts of the '72 Dolphins
seem to be alive and kicking.
Dedicated reader Kevin writes:
He started out as an intern for the New England Patriots, then Will McDonough made a very important friend. Since then got himself a much, much sweeter job, handling Tom Brady’s private affairs… a job so secretive that not even his best friends have any idea what he does. Here is Boston magazine’s look at the man who rode the Super Bowl QB’s coattails to greater fame.
for the article. It is a bizarre read. For those of you too lazy to click (likely, most of you), here are some of the interesting snippets:
For those who don't remember, Brady was not all that long ago a floppy-haired underdog who favored blazers with elbow patches. Even after his early on-field success, he retained a dorky aw-shucks style. He hated the podium and was unprepared for celebrity. Then, before our eyes, he became the metro-sexual who now flits about Europe, paparazzi in his wake. These days Brady seems quite comfortable in his underwear, accessorized perhaps with a sweaty bottle of Smartwater and some Stetson cologne. Compared with Peyton Manning, who hams it up for the NFL's yeasty audience and wouldn't be caught dead in a Movado watch, Brady is a fey extraterrestrial. He has leveraged his appeal in a restrained fashion that transcends his sport. The approach might even be called elegant. But the process has not been intuitive. Brady has needed help. That's where McDonough comes in.
So basically, Tom needed some dude to come in and help him dress. Kind of reminds me of the whole Al Gore/Naomi Wolf
thing. Let's hear what our Republican pals think of Tommy! It continues:
At the same time, just like Eric, McDonough has his detractors, those who see him as a lucky boob. A coattailer. And they aren't afraid to voice their opinions, at least anonymously. On one blog, McDonough is called an "ass clown," a "jock sniffer," a "douche," and a "hog sucker." Other people interviewed for this story expressed a disbelief bordering on outrage at his success. Invariably, though, the critics didn't actually know him. They'd merely crossed his path at a party somewhere.
This is what reporting has come to: on "one blog", he was called an "ass clown." Wow! On a blog! It must be true! Being the crack reporters that we are here at INEPT,
we decided to track these references down.
McDonough and Bruschi
Turns out the reporter meant that phrases such as "ass clown" and "jock sniffer" were actually found in the reader comments
at barstool sports
I hate to say this as an alum, but McDonough went to BC, graduated in '02. He has worked at the Pats since then and somehow became best pals with Brady. Honestly, I don't totally like Brady because he is friends with this ass clown. McDonough has been a jock sniffer for years, it finally paid off for him. Good for him, I guess.
— George Brett, Apr 25 2008, 1:27 pm
No, not that George Brett.
Further down, we get this quote:
For anyone who is doubting how much of a douche will is let me assure you...he is a douche. Having not only graduated from BC w/this dbag i lived on his floor freshman year(cheverus 2nd for any doubters)....this kid sniffed more jock than george jung did coke. That's a fact. He is a douche, and will always be a douche....i now hate tom brady because he associates with this dbag.
— thekid, Apr 25 2008, 2:37 pm
And it goes on. So this is what we get from Boston Magazine: some writer looks up a blog post on Will McDonough, and then quotes the 12-year olds that comment there. Is that what print media has come to? Research that can be done in five minutes, taking quotes from 12-year old basement dwellars?
At INEPT, we go beyond print media. Way beyond. Instead of just cherry-picking the words from a few comments at barstool sports, we instead make up a comprehensive wordle
of the reader response:
Wordle rules: Click on the image if it is too fuzzy
From this diagram, we get a much better sense of what people think of "Holley". Douche does stand out, you have to admit.
There's a lot more in the article. It is all pretty strange. Read the rest yourself, or better yet, don't. At least we learned one thing from the experience: use wordle.
Boston (INEPT) - New sites are popping up left and right. Some are funny, some are lame. But all have this in common: They hate the New England Patriots.
The latest to join: the conspiracy-oriented Tin Foil On My Head.
A wonderfully simple site with one goal in mind: getting your opinion on Spygate. Their mission statement:
And now we're told that Spygate is Over? Completely unacceptable! On his May 14, 2008 broadcast, Colin Cowherd on ESPN's "The Herd" challenged those conspiracy theorists who disagreed with the way the NFL is handling ... check that, concealing the New England Patriots SpyGate abomination, to set up a website entitled "TinFoilonMyHead.com" to voice our opinions. That's precisely what this is. If you object to how the current administration is rolling over for the Mighty New England Patriots and their asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, multiple championships. If you find it peculiar that the NFL has destroyed the Spygate tapes and levied penalties before seeing all of the evidence. If you're of the opinion that bending or misinterpreting a set of rules that are followed by every other team in the National Football League is the definition of the word cheating. Let your opinion be heard.
You may now be wondering: can anything inspired by Colin Cowherd really be a good idea? Well, maybe not. But we are willing to overlook this small blemish in what otherwise is an excellent calling.
Other gems from the site include:
Arlen: You've got our vote
And, less fortunately:
This movie sucked
The intro paragraph also includes some well thought out witticisms:
WE, a nation of tin foil hat wearing conspiracy theorists have been called to action. We are the internet surfing uber-geeks who believe the moon landing was staged on a Hollywood back lot. We are the disciples of Al Gore who actually purchased a copy of his DVD. We subscribe to the theory that global warming looms and will kill us all, just like a meteor ended the dinosaurs. We believe that the pyramids were built by aliens, that UFO's regularly abduct red-blooded, tax-paying Americans, and that the government is actively engaged in a multi-national cover up to hide the existence of extra terrestrial life forms. We are a nation of believers that watched the X-Files and understand that, "The Truth is out there."
What can we conclude from this prose? A number of thoughts come to mind:
- This site is not serious. Which is likely the case, and if so, too bad.
- The creator of the site is a good writer. Which makes us forgive the first point.
- That we should all go watch Al Gore's movie. Because it is available in an environmentally-sound DVD case.
Al Gore DVD: When you toss it, it will degrade bio-sensibly
Boston (INEPT) - We have actually done it. We looked for weeks and weeks, with the thought that it might be possible. We weren't sure. But it does exist. Yes, my friends, there is actually a Patriot blog with an (almost) reasonable opinion about Spygate. From none other than our friends at Pats Pulpit
, we have this article.
Pats Pulpit: Almost Sane
Entitled "Final Thoughts on You Know What", this piece actually is (almost) sane in discussing Spygate and its impact on both Pats fans and the rest of us. To begin:
Truthfully, Spygate has exhausted me. Writing about it has consumed me and frankly, I've grown a bit tired of it. From a ridiculous number of articles to too many press conferences, I've grown weary. I'm sure you've grown tired of reading about it, too.
Pulpit: You started on the wrong foot here. The reason you are tired is simple: your team cheated, and we are all talking about it. That is tiring for you; however, for us, it is invigorating. Trust us, we could talk about how you cheated all day long. And we will.
This lady is tired of Spygate, but not us
The article then quotes some sportswriters about the impact of Spygate. For example, Bob Ryan of the Globe writes:
Here is what Bill Belichick has done: He has placed Patriots fans on the defensive for the rest of their lives.
The sports community now associates the Patriots with cheating. The three Super Bowl championships are, and forever will be, under suspicion. The thought will never go away.
The amazing thing here is the Pats Pulpit response:
Not so easy to read, is it fellow Pats fans? It's a jagged little pill to swallow.
So instead of crying and whining about how Spygate is all rediculous
, we have a fairly sane response. Well done, Pats Pulpit! You stand out from the crowd.
Bob Ryan gets it right (but looks drunk)
Peter King is quoted too,
and, in nice words, says that Belichick is a liar:
It is inconceivable to me -- and, obviously, to Roger Goodell and former Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh, too -- that Belichick would misinterpret the rule about videotaping.
So at this point, Pats Pulpit is on fire, quoting two "respected" sportswriters who point out that (a) there has been permanent damage done and (b) Belichick is clearly a liar. So far, so good.
Unfortunately, Pats Pulpit couldn't quite keep it up. In a rather sad attempt to keep the story "fair and balanced", some quotes by players who take the Pats' side are included. First, they quote one of the worst QBs ever
to lead a team to a Superbowl victory, Trent Dilfer:
I don't take one thing away from them. Not at all. I'd have zero bitterness toward them as an opposing player. The Patriots have been the best-coached, most-talented team of this era, and they deserve to be thought of that way.
Football players can be pretty dumb, and Trent Dilfer shows here how dumb he is. Who cares what Trent Dilfer thinks? If you want to ask players, take an anonymous poll of players who played the Patriots during the past few years. How many players do you think would say they had a problem with the cheating?
Trent Dilfer: Bad on the field, worse off of it
(p.s. this pass was picked off)
Football player stupidity is highlighted further by Luis Castillo:
I'd never, not for one second, put an asterisk next to what they've accomplished. This game can't be planned or orchestrated just because you might know what our defense is going to do on a particular play. Would it help? Of course. But it takes a lot more than that to win any games, and to win a Super Bowl.
Of course it takes a lot more than that. However, it helps. And in games that are won and lost on a few plays, it could make the difference. That is the point, Luis.
Pats Pulpit closes with a plea for us "rival fans":
Rival Fans - Please be patient with us. We are trying to work this out. Our knee jerk reaction will be to defend that which has brought us so many great moments, so give us a little breathing room. I certainly understand if you feel, in some way, like your team may have been cheated and would've had a shot if not for the taping. But, please excuse me if I think getting an edge through questionable practices is more prevalent than the NFL and other teams are willing to let on. It's what keeps me sane when thinking about this. It's not much, but it's what I have to cling to.
What is fascinating about this quote is that (a) it puts forth the lame notion that "well, everyone else is probably cheating, so it's probably ok to cheat" but then (b) admits that this is lame and "not much to cling to." Yes, Pats Pulpit, it is lame. And not much to cling to. So stop clinging. Cleanse your soul, by admitting that you too have been duped, that your team (and in particular, coaches) let you down, that your dominance was specious at best. You shouldn't be sad or exhausted. You should be mad. You have been lied to, like the rest of us. Your cheating coach has tainted your team, and that is what we will all remember about this fine and glorious team, the Patriots.
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