A stream of consciousness or near unconsciousness as it got later...written 5/11/11 posted 5/13/11 due to
being down.
My heart and mind are simply aching. I cannot get through a morning or an evening without longing for you until the pain is too great to bare. I cannot sleep because tomorrow will come sooner and it will start all over again..... yet another day without you. Tears roll down my cheeks so often that I am often surprised when they are not. I have discovered new ways to breathe and to distract myself when I am in a place where I feel as if tears should not be present. I have found that mornings are very hard for me. Even riding in a cab is trying because looking out of the window at the world around me immediately becomes time to reflect on what is not right in my world. Simply breathing takes determination because it no longer feels involuntary like it should. I try and imagine how for the rest of my life I will feel this bottomless void and unimaginable sorrow, and what it might do to me over time. I contemplate what Ella's life will be like without her brother and how your mom and I will come to terms with this loss we have been dealt. I have always believed I was a survivor; stronger emotionally, physically, and mentally than many. Much of this strength came from insulating and or distancing myself from my feelings. You though my sweet loving son broke through all of my defenses and I loved you like I never imagined possible. So much that it scared me and especially so when I realized that I might lose you to something I could not see or fend off. No matter how much I might have tried to protect myself ....your smile, touch, and the sweet hypnotic sound of "Daddy I love you" was far more powerful than anything I had at my disposal. My armor was stripped from me and now I cannot defend myself from the pain and misery that I am left with in your
absence. I feel guilty for not being able to make you better. I vowed as all fathers do to protect my child at all costs and I was not able to. I tried so hard and fought with so much hope and it just was not enough. I am not one who accepts failure and will keep getting up, trying again and again; harder each time. But how I get up from this loss and continue to fight I do not know. What am I fighting for when I have already lost what is unimaginable and immeasurable? Do I continue to fight because I have nothing to lose? Do I stop fighting and just live my life quietly? Can I remain as close to pediatric cancer as I am now? Knowing doing so will invite sad memories back and often.
I was so worried my fear would show on my face as your battle went on because you could always tell if something was bothering someone. When I would look at you and you would stare into my eyes and just nod your head up and down without uttering a word...I wondered sometimes if you knew more than you let on. I wondered if you were telling me "I am ok Daddy...everything is ok" because you could sense my fear. Liam, I m sorry the world has not put enough of a priority on saving kids. I am sorry that bureaucracy and profit are what cover up so many issues and that not enough people choose to stand up for what is right. I am sorry your type of cancer had not had enough attention paid to it over the years, and still to this day cannot be treated effectively. I am sorry most humans cannot see what is right and wrong and when they do they often look the other way because it is easier. Most have lost their will to fight back. Liam, I am sorry your hopes and dreams were cut short and all you desired from this world was not to be had. I am sorry we all failed you. I am sorry we never got to use the woodworking bench and tools you got from Santa. I am sorry I had to go to work when you wanted me with you, and I am sorry that I could not wish a snowstorm, rainbow, beach or the sun whenever your heart desired.
I hope you were not scared to leave us and that you felt no pain. Not knowing is something that brings me the greatest heartache and is often when I find it hardest to breathe. I try and cling to the memory of you reaching past me and smiling like you knew where you were going....you were not afraid but I certainly am. I have so many questions I feel must be answered for me to find any ounce of peace and yet I know they never will be. I know I must compartmentalize all that we as a family have endured and find a way to move ahead; but anyone who knows me at all knows how hard it will be for me to do that. I worry that I am not going to be able to let go and to be able to package this up neatly and trick myself into some false sense of happiness. Most people manage to accept the many ills of our world and to tolerate the lies that surround nearly every topic, but we both know I am not one of those people. I feel it would be wrong not to let the reality of my loss drive my actions, feelings, and beliefs. The weight of this world without you is so heavy it often feels like I might not be able to bare it. It is more difficult than ever to deal with or relate to day to day issues when they all pale in comparison to the tragedy of losing a child to cancer. A couple months have gone by since you earned your wings and each day I miss you more. Nothing could have prepared me for the emptiness I feel inside. I try and find some comfort in knowing you are in a better place than I and free of the burden of your broken body. Your sister Ella is amazing and brings mommy and I sunshine each and every day. It's almost as if she knows she is now the glue that needs to hold us all together and you would be so proud of how much love she gives us and how brave, compassionate, and fun she has been. I am not sure how we would get through each day without her light. Watch over her and keep her safe. You are her angel and we tell her so. She misses you so very much and always will. I thank god for choosing us to bring you into this world, and though my heart now aches for having to give you back, I would not trade our time together for anything.
I want you to know I am proud of you Liam and it is amazing to see those you inspired doing so much to fight for other kids, and in your honor. You were the inspiration for something that is becoming quite remarkable. Know that mommy and I and many others who love you are working very very hard to make sure it lives on and grows into something that will stand the test of time. Your light and spirit will one day be responsible for saving the life of a kid just like you. I hope to know just who that kid is and when he grows up I will be sure to tell him your story. Your friends are baking so many cookies and having bake sale after bake sale, and all for you Liam. Your love and spirit are contagious and you have inspired not just me and mommy, but thousands of others. You have given many wonderful people a purpose and they surprise us each day with their noble and selfless acts.
Liam I am not sure what to do this Friday. It is the day I watched you come into this world 7 years ago and a day that has always been filled with such emotion. I know it is going to be a very hard day and not sure how to make sense of the mix of emotions that are already building. I am not sure yet if writing will help me or if it is simply salt in an open wound. I know I have a desire to capture and preserve the memories that I am so afraid of losing, and while they are fresh and vivid in my minds eye. I miss you my sunshine. Happy Birthday Liam. I love you and miss you to the moon and the stars and back again...
"You are my sun"
by Sun Kil Moon
You are my light
Dark cities, you fill the loss
Of the day
You are my love
Radiant and pretty, over seas
You find ways of bringing hope
The lonely hours, gloom of night
Empty mornings
You are a stem, of wild flowers
Rollin' hills, 'round the bay
You are a gap
In the meadow, soaring low
In this way, you are my friend
In the shadows, there to bring
When I need
You are the suites
Of the cellos
There to mend, if I bleed
You are a swing
Sleepy porches, the warm light
On my face
You are a charge, of wild horses
You are the sun
You are my SON
Sleeping over spilling out
Over the mountains
You are my sun
Thank you to all who are doing so much to honor Liam this month and helping to bring awareness to the cause in hopes of inspiring others to join in the fight against pediatric cancer.
Your love and support carry us forward and together we can and will make a difference.
