We just got back from 2 weeks at West Point NY visiting with my oldest son & his family. What a blessing!

He’s an intensely devoted Catholic; I deeply respect his devotion. Every evening he, Rachel, & the children read/sang from these little prayer books. The book provided a different script for each day of the week. Then you just go through it again & again each week. The entire thing took around 10 minutes. I thought it was beautiful that they did this each evening. It was also especially pleasing since both Devon & Rachel have really good singing voices.

It’s really a great concept. Yes, I realize that these books have been around for well over 100 years, but since I’m from a vastly different Christian tradition, it was all new to me. I can see the benefit of the repetition because it would imprint these words into one’s heart. However, if I’ll being transparent here, I find the songs very dirge-like in style and don’t see everything being sung the entire time as necessary. A part of me wants to make my own prayer book to use. I could compile simple songs, prayers & verses myself…

   

Soul fragility. I heard this term used by pastor and author Rich Villodas. This concept has sparked something inside me…I recognize my own soul as fragile and brittle. On the outside I act like I’m okay when criticism comes my way, but on the inside I’m way too frequently devastated.  I save those critical words and ponder over them as I lick my wounds in private. Or, conversely, I put up walls and don’t listen and write criticism off as worthless. But why does criticism have such a strong effect? Why is my ego so invested?

I’m thinking about some scripture passages in the way that Peterson paraphrases them in The Message:

Matthew 16:24-26 - Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of a deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?

Matthew 5:5 - You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are - no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourself proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

You know when my husband John and I are are most likely to get into an argument? When on a long road trip. Neither of us want the other to drive. I struggle with the way he drives as well as just letting go of being in control.

There are are a couple of phrases from authors whom I admire that I’ve been thinking on:

Dallas Willard: I’m practicing the discipline of not have to have the last word.

Nathan Foster: Mini deaths to self

Oh Father, help me draw in silence and practice living in it more. Holy Spirit within me, please help me quiet my soul. Put a guard on my lips oh Lord; that I would refrain from giving in to that compulsion to have the last word. Father, there’s plenty of life that is not exactly as I would want it; rather than always fighting against those circumstances, and sometimes people, that I can’t change, please help me to truly welcome theses small daily opportunities to die to myself. 

   

 This morning as I was cooking breakfast I was listening to an interview from 2009 with Eugene Peterson. He’d used an analogy about how a dog chews on a bone, we can chew on the Word. Someone from the audience asked for an example of what that looks like in his life and he shared one. What really ignited in my spirit was that as Peterson shared his personal story, he said he’d been on the first 2 verses of Luke for the past three months. Somehow it was like this gave me context and permission to keep going over & over the same thing. 

For me it’s been Psalm 131, specifically the second part of the second verse: “I’ve cultivated a quiet heart” (MSG). The amplified Bible puts it this way: “my soul is like a weaned child within me [composed and free from discontent]”. The Message paraphrase also compares that quiet heart to bing like a baby content in his mother’s arms. I’ve been thinking about how my youngest grandson, Dominic, looked the last time I saw him this past July. He was hanging out in Rachel’s arms and seemed so totally content. This concept of cultivating a quiet heart has really been gestating in the back of my mind since this past January…..

   

 This isn’t scientific, so it’s hard to be sure. But it appears as if there’s been some changes in my life since I started spending this time in silence.

As an aside, I feel compelled to admit what a poor job I do with my time in silence. I’m grateful that I read in Rich Villados’ book, that it’s OK to not do it perfectly. My brain is pinging all over the place. I’m grateful that I read that Thomas Keating said if your mind gets distracted 10,000 times in 20 minutes in prayer, it’s 10,000 opportunities to return to God. I get to do a lot of returning during my times of silence.

Yet…..there’s this feeling I get. I’m not sure how to explain. I think I can best describe it by something I witnessed once. My oldest son Devon used to be rather crabby. One day he had been very crabby with all of us all day long. Then I saw him go and put his head in the lap of Rachel. Rachel is his wife now and I’m not sure if this happened when they were first married or before. Anyway, he put his head in Rachel‘s lap and looked so pleased. Had a smug little smile on his face. It was like he was right where he belonged. It didn’t matter that he had done everything wrong all day and not been nice to anyone, he was loved. Every time I come in the silence I get some of that same type of feeling. I feel a smug little smile on the inside of me.

This doesn’t make sense, but there’s been some changes in my life recently and I think they’re attributable  to the time in silence. Previously, I was tired all the time and struggling with a really really really being burned down at my job. Currently, I’m still more tired than I want to be. I still get overwhelmed and discouraged at work. But there’s a difference. It’s like there’s an inner strength I hadn’t experienced before, a solidness that makes it different. I’ve always enjoyed singing praises to God. But lately I find myself singing them more frequently. Ill be in the shower and suddenly notice that I’m singing away. I’ll wake up with songs in my heart. Throughout the day words of praise will be in my heart. I don’t think I’m imagining this. Frankly, even if I am and it’s a placebo effect, it’s a good one and I’m grateful.

   

One of the many challenges I face when trying to have even just 7 minutes of silence, is the nagging feeling that it’s a “waste of time”. There I said it. That sounds awful, but it’s the truth. I mean I’m here trying to get my mind silent, while I’m sitting and doing nothing. I’m not even supposed to daydream. I keep reminding myself that this is to put myself in a position where I might be in the presence of God. Or I might open up my receptivity to him. Honestly right now it’s a struggle. I committed myself to 7 minutes every morning on weekends and morning & arrival home from work on week days. I’m going to just make myself do it for the first 30 days and see.