It is no secret that when Elton John sings, people don't understand the words.

Sometimes, it's because Bernie Taupin's lyrics are weird and only representational of coherent trains of thought. But mostly, it's because Sir Elton has trouble enunciating important sounds...like consonants.

A prime example is the song "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road." It's a fine melody and attempts to express a longing for a simpler life, but when you replace what Bernie wrote with what people hear Elton singing, things quickly go awry.

When are you gonna come down?
When are you gonna calm down?

When are you going to land?
When are you going to learn?

I should have stayed on the farm
I shoved that stake in my arm

I should have listened to my old man
Shoveled glitter into my can

You know you can't hold me forever
You know your cap told me more better

I didn't sign up with you
I giggle hiccup with you

I'm not a present for your friends to open
I'm not a pheasant for your hands to hold on

This boy's too young to be singing the blues
"Da boing do yada," me's singing the blues

So goodbye yellow brick road
So goodbye, Penelope Rose

Where the dogs of society howl
Where the dogs are, though I can't see how

You can't plant me in your penthouse
Your cat locked me in your penthouse, or
You can't have me as your pen pal

I'm going back to my plough
I'm going back to my cow

Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Back to just howlin' around in the world, or
Back to the hidey-hole out in the woods

Hunting the horny-back toad
Punt with a horny, old sow

Oh, I've finally decided my future lies
Oh, I find that my eyes, all putrified

Beyond the yellow brick road
Belong to hollow brick role

BESIDES...

Shouldn't the whole thing have been more about The Wizard of Oz?

Ahh...a lost opportunity indeed.

        

Please, oh please, oh pretty pretty please!

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[Originally published December 22, 2017]

It's...

That...

Time of year, when the world watches the same movies for the umpteenth time.

But what if some unscrupulous modifier tweaked the titles of some of those over-watched classics?

It's a Wonderful Lice  -  It's a lousy Christmas when Zuzu comes home from school with someone else's hat.

Frankie the Snowman  -  Ol' Blue Eyes is back, but some miffed mobsters want to put him on ice for good.

Rudolph the Reed-Nosed Reindeer  -  Olive, the other reindeer, laughs at poor Rudolph because he sounds like a clarinet when he breathes.

A Christmas Stork  -  The protagonist wants to buy a Red Ryder BB gun, but is called away to deliver a baby to an obscure village in the Middle East.

Homely Alone  -  An eight-year-old boy is left behind from his family's Christmas trip because he's just so darn ugly.

Alf  -  A furry, alien life form travels from the North Pole to New York City in search of its biological father and a nice CLT...cat, lettuce, and tomato sandwich; where the cat is nice and lean and the tomatoes are ripe.

The Old Gray Mare Before Christmas  -  This sleigh ride just ain't what she used to be.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vaccination  -  An unfortunate reaction to an ill-timed flu shot spoils a family's holiday celebration.

White Supremacist Christmas  -  Some jokes just write themselves.

The Molar Express  -  A Rankin/Bass production that creates a myth based on the popular song, "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth".

The Santa Claws  -  Kris Kringle refuses to submit to his annual mani/pedi.

Pie Hard  -  NYPD Detective John McClane tries to reconcile with his estranged wife by bringing dessert to her employer's Christmas party, but the dessert is stale.

How the Grinch Smelled on Christmas  -  A special 4-D immersive experience. Not for the faint of nose.

Mildly Amusing Incident on 34th Street  -  A temporary Macy's employee claims to be Howie Mandel.

A Charlie Beige Christmas  -  The Peanuts gang goes to Phoenix for the holidays.

For the video version of this post, CLICK HERE.

        

That dichotomy between a slow R&B ballad and the rough and tumble life of a longshoreman seems to have affected the effect of the record. Neville is quoted as saying, "A lot of people come up to me and say, 'That song got me and my wife together, and others say, 'It broke me and my wife up. '"

I looked up the words of the song, and I've gotta say, I'm on Team Breakup. Check it out:

I mean, doesn't he sound a little confrontational and demanding?

And what's this thing about his time being expensive? Is he a high-end gigolo?

Heads Up: If anger management is an issue for this guy, put on your high-heeled sneakers and run. a. way!

In other words, don't listen to what your heart is telling you. Listen to me! I say you love me, so start acting like it!

Ah yes...nothing says romance like "you love me because I said so."

        

With last week's mini-venture into A.I. image manipulation, I opened the door to something so fun it's dangerous. Or maybe so dangerous that it's fun, I don't know.

I gave CoPilot the following self-portrait...

...then asked it to make it look different in a number of ways. First, I wanted to look steampunk.

Then I asked to look as if Picasso painted me.

Then Van Gogh.

Salvador Dali

The good folks at Pixar

The only-slightly-different-looking Claymation

Then I thought, could CoPilot put me inside different entertainment franchises ... like The Simpsons?

Or Star Trek

Saving my personal favorite for last, look what happened when I asked to be put in a scene from Pirates of the Caribbean:

I was kind of hoping for something more like Jack Sparrow and less like Smee, but I look at this and can't help but think "Jolly Roger".