I've never been a huge fan of Halloween and I may have just figured out why. It just doesn't have any good songs!

Sure there's "Monster Mash" by Bobby "Boris" Pickett, and Michael Jackson's "Thriller," but if we're being honest, the only really good marginally-Halloween-themed song doesn't even have any words: "Frankenstein" by the Edgar Winter Group.

Momma always said not to complain unless you had an idea on how to fix the problem, so here we go...tweaking some of the best songs from the best decade of music to turn them into holiday hits on the macabre side.

Suspended Over Troubled Water  -  Simon & Garfunkel sing about a classic dungeon scene

Guillotine Keeps Choppin' Off My Head  -  ♫♪ And just like that, the guy makes sure that I am dead ♪♫

Spirit in the Guy  -  Norman Greenbaum's salute to demonic possession

The Long and Winding Rope  -  ♫♪ That wraps 'round your neck ♪♫

One Bad Apple  -  This time, the Osmonds are telling the tale of how Snow White's evil stepmother put her to sleep

How Can You Reanimate a Stolen Heart  -  ♫♪ How can you stop the blood pressure from going down ♪♫

You've Got a Fiend  -  James Taylor's dark side

Gypsys, Tramps & Werewolves  -  ♫♪ They chase you through the woods and make you howl at midnight ♪♫

The First Time Ever I Sawed Your Face  -  Roberta Flack takes her number one hit to a Texas massacre

American Die  -  ♫♪ Drove my Chevy to the levee where I buried this guy ♪♫

A Ghost With No Name  -  A song about going through the desert with an anonymous spook

Tie a String of Garlic Round the Old Oak Tree  -  ♫♪ Make those vampires flee far away from me ♪♫

Killing Me Softly With His Saw  -  Roberta Flack's follow-up hit

Bennie and the Banshees  -  ♫♪ She's got lethal nails and a voice that wails ♪♫

50 Ways to Cleave Your Lover  -  Paul Simon gives several new meanings to the word "hacker"

        

I have a theory that says the only reason people liked "How Deep Is Your Love" so much is that it was juxtaposed next to all the disco on the Bee Gees' album Saturday Night Fever. You know, like how in high school I only hung out with guys uglier than me...so I would look good in comparison. (Of course, there were only two guys in the whole school who met that qualification.)

Another possible point of interest in the song might be this #FunFact divulged by Rolling Stone:

The Bee Gees' work for Saturday Night Fever was recorded during a famed two-and-a-half-week-long session at a chateau in northern France, where, according to Barry Gibb, "six classic lesbian porno scenes [were] filmed."

For the Record:

1. I'm fairly certain the porno scenes were not filmed at the same time the Bee Gees were recording.

2. Now that I'm aware of this connection, I'm wondering which movie they meant "How Deep Is Your Love" to be part of.

I'm just sayin'!

        

Beloved and I were taking a short vacation in the Hoosier state to celebrate her high school class reunion last month.

We were staying with some of our very best friends, who I have yet to make up any Almost nicknames for.

We were being treated to dinner in an upscale steakhouse in beautiful downtown Fort Wayne.

I was personally unprepared for what I immediately saw when I walked into the men's room at said steakhouse.

Behold . . .

Is it just me, or would anyone else be slightly confused? I'm not kidding; I backed up and double-checked the sign on the door.

Of course, when I realized it was just an image on the wall, I didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed.

        

With 213 songs to their credit, the Beatles were bound to stumble upon a few wise words here and there. "Let it be" and "Money can't buy me love" come easily to mind.

But let's remember that the Mop Tops were only human. Not everything that sprang from the grooves of their records can be considered "speaking words of wisdom." I offer, therefore, the following list of Beatlesque advice that might make you think twice.

• Your loving give me a thrill, but your loving don't pay my bills. Now give me money. That's what I want.
• Gather round, all you clowns. Let me hear you say, "Hey you've got to hide your love away."
• Leave it all till somebody else lends you a hand.
• Baby, you can drive my car, and maybe I'll love you.

• If the sun don't come, you get a tan from standing in the English rain.
• Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see.
• Happiness is a warm gun.
• Let this be a sermon. I mean everything I've said. Baby, I'm determined, and I'd rather see you dead. You better run for your life if you can, little girl. Hide your head in the sand, little girl. Catch you with another man, that's the end, ah, little girl.
• Lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void. It is shining, it is shining.
• Picture yourself in a boat on a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies.
• And it really doesn't matter. If I'm wrong, I'm right.
• Roll up for the magical mystery tour! Step right this way!
• Why don't we do it in the road?

        

Cream's Top Ten hit, "White Room," was birthed by a period of drug and alcohol excess. We should have realized that the minute we heard the lyrics.

Let's allow CoPilot to visually interpret the first verse:

In a white room, with black curtains, near the station...

Black roof country, no gold pavements, tired starlings...

Silver horses, ran down moonbeams, in your dark eyes...

Dawn light smiles, on you leaving, my contentment...

All of which sounds and looks reasonably normal (moonbeam-running horses notwithstanding) until we hit the chorus:

I'll wait in this place where the sun never shines
Wait in this place where the shadows run from themselves...

Eeek!