U.S.Unexpectedly Loses 92,000 Jobs In a press release, a spokesperson for the Labor Department said, "I put them right here and only turned my head away for a second!"
Millions Across Western Cuba Wake Up Without Power Secretary of the Interior, Manuel Jose Hernandez: "¡Estoy tan cansado! ¡No tengo energía!"
Big Ten's Loaded Heavyweight Division Tests Gophers' Hopke Minnesota freshman, Koy Hopke: "It will take everything I've got, but I'm gonna annihilate those fat drunks."
Massive Boom Heard from Ohio to Kentucky Wow. That far, eh?
Maduro Asks Judge to Toss Drug Case "Just throw it into the van there."
Man Accused of Killing Florida Woman with Hammer Faces Deportation And yet, M.C. Hammer is still at large.
US and Iran Exchange Fire in Strait of Hormuz, Endangering Ceasefire Um . . . pretty sure that firing at each other does more than just endanger the ceasefire, doesn't it? (Unless the fire they exchanged was sharing a match to light their cigars)
Bus and Pickup Truck Turn into House in South Minneapolis A nearby man, dressed in a black suit with a cape and a tophat, is quoted as saying, "Presto Chango!"
Bill to Make Grooming a Crime Heading to Minnesota Senate Floor Apparently, the state has had QUITE enough of all this hair-cutting and nail-trimming going on.
"Brown-Eyed Handsome Man" was written and performed by Chuck Berry, and never made the charts. But it was apparently well-known enough to inspire cover versions by both Buddy Holly and Waylon Jennings.
According to Rolling Stone, "Berry was inspired to write this song while he was touring through heavily black and Latino areas of California. As Berry put it, 'I didn't see too many blue eyes.' He did see a good-looking Chicano nabbed for loitering until 'some woman came up shouting for the policeman to let him go'."
Arrested on charges of unemployment
He was sitting in the witness stand
The judge's wife called up the district attorney
She said, "Free that brown-eyed man.
If you want your job, you better free that brown-eyed man."
I wonder how the song would have gone had he seen me in my natural habitat...
Resting on his haunches while "working from home" He was sitting in front of a fan Then his wife called down from the kitchen upstairs "Are you busy, green-eyed writer man? I need a favor from my green-eyed writer man."
Flying upstairs like a bat outta heck Hoping romance was part of the plan She just couldn't reach something on a top shelf Like that green-eyed writer man He's so much taller, yeah, that green-eyed writer man.
Drinking Dr Pepper, eating CornNuts, Enjoying as much as he can There's never ever been any ifs, ands, or buts From that green-eyed writer man, It's a lot of quirks with that green-eyed writer man.
Beautiful music from the 70s and back Lyrics like the back of his hand. Not much else swirling 'round in the mind Of that green-eyed writer man He's full of earworms, he's a green-eyed writer man.
Of course, you know there's a serious side He loves Jesus and the Gospel plan And the joy in his heart can't help but spill out Of this green-eyed writer man Humor is healthcare for this green-eyed writer man.
Princess Leia returned from her learning pod only to find Almira Vader attempting to abscond with her favorite droid, R2-Toto2.
Almira Vader: I want to see you and your wife right away about Leia. Uncle Owen: Leia? Well, what has Leia done? Almira Vader: What's she done? I'm all but lame from the zap on my leg! Uncle Owen: You mean she zapped you? Almira Vader: No, her droid! Uncle Owen: Oh, she zapped her droid, eh?
During Leia's attempt to run away from the whole situation, she was swept into a black hole, along with several chickens, wamp rats, and Miss Vader herself.
Upon gaining consciousness in a bright, Technicolor land of Ewoks and talking apple trees, Princess Leia soon made friends with a ragtag trio of misfits: Luke Scarecrowalker, Tin-3PO, and Chewbacca the Cowardly Wookie.
[Updated Update! Now The Truth Can Be Told: I started this post just so I could publish the picture of Miss Gulch on a Star Wars speeder, then I got interested in how A.I. would present the foursome. I like the Leia/C3PO/Chewie in the top pic, but prefer the bottom Luke/Scarecrow and simply HAD to show you the Emerald City with the Death Star and TIE fighters.]
Sitting at my keyboard, typing Tired of hearing others griping Wanting to knock them off a shelf Deciding I'll just gripe myself:
The sign says "Exit," clear as day "You Must Enter Other Way" And yet, they enter like it's a race Makes me want to smash their face
"Those sandwiches should be on sale. You charged full price. I'm gonna wail!" The sale's not for the ones you chose. The sign says these, but you bought those.
"I didn't use this wash code, bold In 30 days like I was told Hyuck-hyuck; silly old me Can I have one more for free?"
Do you have our rewards card? "No way! I protect my privacy hard! I don't want your bosses to sell me But if there's a coupon, would you please tell me?"
"How are you doing?" they ask me all day Not ever pausing to hear what I say Not that I care if they care how I am Let's just not play out this little scam
And phones! Good night! Put your phone down! You're talking to everyone standing around How will I know if you want a receipt If you don't hear me ask and I have to repeat?
And then, there are those who just stand and stare Forgetting that payment's expected and fair Who flinch to awareness and see where they are Then say, "I have to go out to my car."
But still, I show up for each of my shifts Through rain that pours and snow that drifts Sun that blazes and clouds that billow Then calmly go home and pummel my pillow.
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