Hey girls! I thought I would drop by there and say HI to everyone! It's been a while since I logged on updated everyone, and I was feeling in a blogging mood this evening, so, yeah, here it goes.
Last I updated everyone, I was living at Elaines house. She was THE BEST FRIEND during my ordeal. Really. I don't know what I would have done without her. She took me and my children in, and treated us like family.
My divorce was final on July 8th, and later in that month, the kids and I moved into a house in Northeast El Paso. 1600 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, double car garage, fenced backyard. It has a living room and a front room, and a dining room. We like it. Mostly. Eme and I share a room, with is just SO much fun. hehe. No really, what grown woman wants to have a 12 year old as a roommate. ha!
The beginning of August, I decided to try LDSsingles.com. Worth a shot, right? It had a personality and interest and spirituality and morality quiz, and then tried to find you compatible matches. It was really kinda cool. Not anyone in El Paso, though. Sigh. I looked through the guys, wanting someone around 40. You had to request a personality profile match up from the other person, and I sent a few away to guys that looked interesting. I didn't really do much with it.
I had a few that I was writing to on the site, and this guy named Bob caught my eye. He was super funny. Eventually, we exchanged phone numbers and texted each other. SUPER funny guy. Nice, too. He had been married back in '97 and it only lasted for about a year. No kids. Lives in Utah. Sounded cool.
We texted a lot, and eventually talked to each other on the phone. We got along SUPER well. Imagine a boy version of me. Yeah, that's Bob.
Anyway, I was on the phone with Bob one evening, and the kids were Skyping with their Dad. He had moved to Alabama for a school at Ft. Rucker. I'm not in the same room, because that's just awkward. But I hear him say, "Kids, I want to introduce you to your new Step Mom, Laura. We got married on July 18th". Mind you, this was like August 18th or something.... Yeah, I didn't quite know what to think. I was just glad that I had Bob there for moral support. That means that he only had 10 days between the finalized divorce and his wedding..... hmmmm......
That was quite a shock. Not that I was mad because I wanted Brent anymore. But we had been married for 17 years. I didn't know how to process it. And the fact that he kept it a secret from his children for a month.... yeah, that's just weird. And bad form.
But enough of that. Bob and I decided that we liked each other, but needed to meet in person to see if it was worth a go. So we made plans to meet 1/2 way, which was Farmington NM. I was going on a trip!!! I arranged babysitters for all of my kids, and soon the days was there. We both woke up early and got on the road. 6 1/2 hours for each of us. Luckily, we were able to talk on the phone (blue tooth) most of the way. SO much fun!
We met at a Shell gas station, and it was instant chemistry. I felt like I had known him forever. We were only awkward for about 5 minutes. The rest of the 3 day weekend, we just hung out and had fun! And yes, we stayed in separate rooms. We kept the weekend PG. hehe. But I will say, he is a FABULOUS kisser!
After a very short 3 days, he headed back home, and I headed back home. We've been on the phone with each other ever since. hehe. I sure miss that boy! Why does Utah have to be so far away?
Jake landed himself back in the hospital in August. Before school started. Wouldn't surrender the iPod when he was supposed to. Decided to fight me for it. Yeah, I won. After a police escort to the mental hospital, that is. Actually, we moved out of Elaine's house and into our new house while he was in the hospital. So maybe it was July that he went there.
School started in end of August, and I started working. I decided that with Jake being Jake, there was NO way I could get a full time job. Or even a part time one. I needed to be on call for my kid. So, I decided to start cleaning houses. $10 an hour. I got jobs lined up, and make about $500-800 a month. I'm trying to put it in savings. We also applied for Food Stamps. And got $588 a month. That helps SO much. I believe in government aid, as a temporary help for people who need it. And we need it.
And my life changed a lot. I could no longer be the social butterfly that I enjoyed being. I didn't have time for hanging out with my friends. I didn't have time for anything much. I would come home exhausted from cleaning houses. And have my house trashed. And 5 kids wanting me, and dinner. I would spend whatever time I could find on the phone with Bob. He really became my best friend. The first person I wanted to text and tell everything to. He could always make me laugh. And smile. And feel good about myself.
In the end of September, Jake landed himself back in the hospital again, same reason. When he got out, his therapist, Ms Lois, took away his iPod. He is in the process of trying to earn it back now. Some lessons are harder to learn than others.
I remember talking to Bob after the first hospital trip with Jake. I told him, if you want out, now is the time. This IS my life. Jake is Jake, and he isn't changing. Mental illness sucks. It's super hard on families. He was emphatic that he still loved me and wanted to stay with me. Again, love that boy! He said he felt bad that there was nothing he could do from Utah, and wished he could hop in his truck and drive down and be with me. SO sweet! As opposed to the kids' dad, who texted and said "Best of luck". Sigh.
It's the end of October now, and I'm feeling burnt out. What's the Lord of the Rings quote? Like butter, spread over too much bread. Something like that. Single parenthood sucks. It sucks a lot. It's been 6 months since the kids and I were kicked out of our house on post. In a way, it's like a deployment. Kind of. Because the kids and I are here alone together. But it has differences too. I see my friends with deployed hubbies, and they are a source of strength to each other. I am glad that I am finding that in Bob.
He actually flies in this Wednesday to meet the kids. He is such a great guy. All the qualities that I want in a man. Kind, loving, funny, hard worker, church goer (Elders Quorum President), great relationship with his family. And he adores me. He really does. I haven't been with someone who utterly adores me. I think that Brent adored himself. And thought of me as an extension of himself. This is so different. I see a humbleness in Bob that I have never experienced before. He has such great, raw potential, and just needs someone to believe in him. I can truly see him as the Lord sees him.
We read scriptures on the phone every night together, and it has been a great blessing and brought us closer together. We have date night on Fridays, and both watch the same DVD. And are on the phone the whole time together. It's SO much fun. Sure, kissing at the end of the date would be great, but I guess there is time for that in the future, right?
I am super anxious for Bob to come and visit. I can say that I truly love him. More than I did Brent, and we were married for 17 years. I felt loyal to Brent. But I never craved his company. He wasn't the first person that I wanted to share everything with. We couldn't talk for hours and hours and hours on the phone. I have that with Bob. I really hope that he likes the kids. I know that all kids are annoying. That's just kids. But mine are good enough. ROFL! We shall see....
I was actually pretty upset when I started writing this blog post. Jake had been a turd, and I had spent about 15 minutes in my closet crying. Again, sharing a room with a 12 year old sucks. NO privacy. I forgot how therapeutic blogging is to me. I quite enjoy it. It helps me organize my thoughts, and my feelings, and get them out on "paper".
So, that's what's happening with me. Check back next week, and I will try and update on how the weekend with Bob went :)
Yup. It's that time. I'm retiring. I hate to do it. But it's been a long time coming. CPT and I have really tried to make it work, but yeah, it's not working. And I don't have the time or mental energy to devote to Scrapbookgraphics to make it work like the owner needs. So I'm retiring. Hopefully in a year or so I will be back to normal and 100% and back into the designing scene! I hope. That's my goal. Who knows where I will be in a year, right?
Anyway, I've always had social anxiety and been a pleaser person. I've blogged about this before. Then about 3 years ago, I had the stint in the mental hospital for depression, where they put me on anti-depressants. Which fixed the social anxiety. And when CPT deployed, I spent the year in therapy, fixing myself. I knew I had a lot to work on. And I felt that I learned and grew SO much.
So he comes home, and I'm a different person. A better person. A stronger person. One who won't put up with his controlling and critical and mean ways. And we fought all of 2012. Horribly. By Christmas, I knew it couldn't continue. I told him that we either went to mariage counseling, or it was done. He agreed.
And after months of counseling and processing a near affair (no sex, but close) on my part back in 2010 (which he never forgave me for and brought up weekly ever since) and working on communication, I put it to him frankly. Get individual help. Treat me with kindness. Stop being critical. Stop being controlling. Or I want a divorce. We had a few more HUGE fights, and he kicked the kids and I out. I finally got the bishop to convince him to move out instead, but he needed a week to get his things together. Whatever.....
Luckily, Ms Elaine, my bestie, let us stay with her. She has 3 kids my kids ages, and her hubby is deployed. She has her own house in the NE area, and she is SUPER awesome. Very laid back like me. Anyway, after being there for a week, she invited us to stay till her hubby came back in November. Yeah, better than both families being alone. Plus it would give me time to save money for a rental when the time came.
I know that I wasn't perfect in my marriage. I know that I had things that I did wrong. I did try, though. I gave it my all. In June, it will be 17 years. In the end of July, the divorce will most likely be final. Our therapist says that CPT looks at the kids and I as an extension of himself. And he can't figure out why he can't perfect us. He doesn't understand why it doesn't work. And it frustrates him to no end. She also said that when I told him I wanted a divorce (if he didn't work on himself), that it opened a narcissistic wound inside of him.
Things are bad between us right now. He has our savings from the tax return. He used it for an attorney. I have what little he decides to give me. I'm trying to get all of our things moved out of the house on post by myself. And find a job. And find an attorney with no money. And do 500 million other things while raising 5 children, one of whom is mentally ill.
So yeah. That's why I don't have the time or the mental energy right now to devote to my store. As much as I would like to. BUT, you can go and take a gander at my store! It's 60% off, and won't be available for a LONG time. So get it while you can!!!! Click HERE to go to my store.
I love you guys, and will miss you :) BIG HUGS!!!!!