I just went to dinner at one of them fancy restaurants "up valley" in my neck of the woods. It's in a little town named Yountville (don't you dare say "Yowntville" if you happen to visit, they'll know you're not from around here and charge you double. It's called "Yontville".) So I was runnin' a quick eye down the menu searching high and low for something I could pronounce, when my eye hit upon a little item called "Polenta Under Glass." Next to said item was a price tag of $15. Now, I have learned to hold my tongue about a lot of the foolishness that goes on out here but this was too much.
I don't care how many of them fancy mushrooms you add or how much of them fungus sniffing pigs it takes to root out the stuff that goes into that fancy truffle salt, there is nothing you can do to make an order of Grits in a Jar, cause that's what these folks were sellin', worth $15. I understand you need to pay for lots of orange Christmas tree lights to put behind that fancy light-up desk full of rocks, Mr. Restaurant owner, but come on. (And I know how much those Christmas tree lights can run you. I've heard tell the people in Pelzer
can barely afford pigs feet this time of year, what with all of them lights they're wearing and paying for....) And I know it takes extra time to buy yer grits out here, cause you have to first find yourself a Whole Foods (wonder who sells the Half Foods) but then you got to wander all over the store looking for the grits. Once you find them labelled "Polenta" (cause they wouldn't be caught dead selling Grits), they're in one of those big ole plastic vats, with a funny little shovel on a cord. Then it takes you about three or 4 tries to get the grits to actually get in the little bitty plastic bag. And then you got to be careful how you walk away, what with all of them spilled grits all over the floor. But still, it's grits.
I should have known I couldn't afford to live out here when I saw those ads in the Pleasanton paper for Basset Hounds. In California it'll cost you $650 to get yourself one of them big eared bundles of love, slobber and all. My lil ole South Carolina hound only set me back $150. Near as I can tell, the ones out here aren't even a tiny bit more energetic or the least little bit smarter. But then again, maybe these California hounds have learnt how to tell the difference between a $15 plate of Polenta Under Glass and a $1.99 serving of Grits in a Jar.