I’ve heard this fable from the pulpit, from friends and read it in a recent New York Times Ethicist column by Kwame Anthony Appiah. A man drowns in a flood after waving away two boats and a helicopter that were offering to rescue him from his roof. He asks God why he didn’t save him and God reminds him that he’d sent two boats and a helicopter which he’d dismissed. Wrote Appiah, “You can take this to be a fable about providence but in secular terms, it’s also about the limits of rescue.”

He was addressing a reader who had done everything possible to help her cousin who was about to face homelessness. She offered him a place to live rent free that he’d never be evicted from—but he didn’t want to live there. She introduced him to friends who offered him jobs in his field which he refused to accept–and that was just for starters. She wanted to know if she should jeopardize her retirement fund and work longer hours by continuing to help him.

The Ethicist wrote: “Let me suggest, further, that an ethical view should be attentive to your own welfare, not just everyone else’s…working longer, shrinking your own future—these are harms that, ethically speaking, you should take into account.” He concluded that she’d sent him a boat and a helicopter and “It was up to your cousin to step onboard.”

This reminds me of what we were told when working for a Red Cross lifesaving badge at summer camp in Maine decades ago. Don’t dive in the water if you don’t think you can save a drowning person. Counselors didn’t soften the reason for these kids. They said it’s better to have only one person die than two.

If you live long enough and have a broad circle of acquaintances, you will likely be faced with at least one person whom you’ve started to help. They may have done everything right or maybe, like the man on the roof or the cousin in the column, maybe not. With the time and treasure that you have, did you open your wallet and/or eventually close it tight shut?

   

I passed by Saks this weekend and noticed indecision featured on the models in the window. Skirt lengths were up, middling and down. Cotton miniskirts for the winter we’ve had seemed like an uncomfortable choice. Wearing high boots with a heavy sweater and jacket wouldn’t keep a girl sufficiently warm. I’ve not seen anyone dressed in such minis yet.

When did it become cool for men to wear socks with sandals?

Some looks we see on the streets of NYC. We are all carrying something.

Is fashion anyway you like it? What are your favorite places to shop for clothes? Has it changed?

   

I have several memberships with monthly charges that, I learned, come with restrictions. I found out I’m ineligible for a service that I thought was a reasonable, standard request.

Take my Netflix subscription which I love. When I searched to find and click on several movies promoted on social media by this streaming service, I learned that I’d have to upgrade to a more expensive membership level to watch. No thanks.

I pay a fortune to FIOS for my phone/high speed Internet/TV bundle. When I fell for a $2.99/month deal for a year with HBO MAX, and wanted to see programs on my TV, I was told to do that, I’d have to upgrade. No thanks. Watching on my iPad will do just fine thank you. Grumble nevertheless.

On the cheerful side, some memberships–the free ones–work out. I was in Fairway supermarket the other day and noticed a refrigerator with good looking meat at a lower price than what was offered in the meat section. A poster mentioned the requirement to qualify for the membership price. I signed up on my phone then and there and was able to buy the better cut at a lower price and was happy as ten clams. So far so great.

I haven’t discovered hurdles with my Met Museum or PBS memberships. Coupons from CVS and discounts from H&M where I’ve signed up work just fine. The New York Times digital service asks me to add on other stuff but I’m happy with the basics for now.

Have you been asked to upgrade membership to get a service you thought you’d paid for? Did you? What memberships are you pleased with?

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I’ve written before about lousy guests. New York Times “Social Q’s” columnist Philip Galanes wrote about hosts with high expectations in “Why Do Houseguests Expect Us to Pay for Any Food During Their Visits?” which alerted me to the habits of some hosts that might baffle their guests.

The query came from a couple who love to entertain and who own what the wife called a recreational property that they use a few weeks a year. “We provide accommodations to our guests, and we assume that they will gladly cover all other expenses, such as groceries.” They are unhappily surprised when the guests expect them to, at the least, split such costs.

Galanes responded “The best way to avoid misunderstandings about the terms of an invitation is to be clear about them up front. And the more unusual the terms, the more important it is to be direct.” I agree. The first sentence is crucial. Speak up!

He continued: “No host has ever asked me to pay for all the food and drink during my visit, as you and your husband envision. And I have never expected that from any houseguest. Your own experience belies your assumption that guests will ‘gladly’ cover these costs. They don’t!”

I, too, think that this couple’s expectations are unusual. When we had a weekend house our weekend guests paid for nothing nor did we expect them to.

I’ve been spoiled by my hosts recently so I can only include instances from my distant past. This instance was the worst. We were invited to a summer rental on a lake inhabited by a group of couples who shared the cost. When our hostess—a work colleague of my husband—stripped off all her clothes and dove into the lake, everyone on the dock, including us, picked up books, tan lotion and towels and headed into the house. Awkward.

I tend to feel chilly so when, for the second time, I visited a friend who kept the house at a glacial temperature I included a blanket in my overnight bag. One host told us to walk into town for lunch. She didn’t join us. It was bizarre enough that I still remember it. She didn’t say anything like, “A work project came up, do you mind…”

Have you been a guest surprised by a host’s unusual habits or behavior?

   

I’m sharing examples of some businesses that have gone above and beyond.

Sock it To Me

Nancie Steinberg gave me a wonderful gift last October: A pair of Pope Leo IV socks that she bought while attending a conference on the property of the Franciscan Friars and Sisters of the Atonement—Graymoor–in Garrison, N.Y. She found the socks at the Graymoor Book and Gift Center. To make them last, I wore them only on special occasions, hand washed and air dried them and within three months, they developed holes. This usually doesn’t happen for a year.

I saw posts by the Sock Religious company on social media and dashed off a note about my precious socks and in short order heard back from Emily MacLennan in customer service who wrote: “Thanks for bringing this to our attention, that’s not the kind of holy we want our socks to be.” She offered to send me another pair and asked for a photo of the holey sock to pass along to the production team for troubleshooting. I offered to send her the socks, once washed, and she said it wasn’t necessary. I already have the replacement pair.

Valentine

I’ve written about this treat before, but it gets me every year. My landlord places a striking long-stemmed rose outside each of the 510 apartments in my building. This year I received an especially stunning one. It’s atypical NYC landlord behavior.

Lost Check

I didn’t realize that my January 21 check to pay for my Visa bill was lost until I noticed, on February 16, that my bank hadn’t recorded it in my statement. Plus, interest of almost $20 appeared on the online Visa invoice. How could that be? I am religious in paying bills immediately.

A wonderful USAA customer service person who was working on Presidents’ Day told me how to handle this, and assured me that my credit wasn’t impacted yet. I had until the check was 30 days late, [I was a few days short], and she blamed the terrible weather that messed up mail deliveries. She told me to call back and ask for the removal of the fee when the check arrived, which I did.

I know—everyone tells me to ditch the checks. I have a system. I like using checks.

Have you enjoyed happy surprises lately?