I’ve written before about lousy guests. New York Times “Social Q’s” columnist Philip Galanes wrote about hosts with high expectations in “Why Do Houseguests Expect Us to Pay for Any Food During Their Visits?” which alerted me to the habits of some hosts that might baffle their guests.

The query came from a couple who love to entertain and who own what the wife called a recreational property that they use a few weeks a year. “We provide accommodations to our guests, and we assume that they will gladly cover all other expenses, such as groceries.” They are unhappily surprised when the guests expect them to, at the least, split such costs.

Galanes responded “The best way to avoid misunderstandings about the terms of an invitation is to be clear about them up front. And the more unusual the terms, the more important it is to be direct.” I agree. The first sentence is crucial. Speak up!

He continued: “No host has ever asked me to pay for all the food and drink during my visit, as you and your husband envision. And I have never expected that from any houseguest. Your own experience belies your assumption that guests will ‘gladly’ cover these costs. They don’t!”

I, too, think that this couple’s expectations are unusual. When we had a weekend house our weekend guests paid for nothing nor did we expect them to.

I’ve been spoiled by my hosts recently so I can only include instances from my distant past. This instance was the worst. We were invited to a summer rental on a lake inhabited by a group of couples who shared the cost. When our hostess—a work colleague of my husband—stripped off all her clothes and dove into the lake, everyone on the dock, including us, picked up books, tan lotion and towels and headed into the house. Awkward.

I tend to feel chilly so when, for the second time, I visited a friend who kept the house at a glacial temperature I included a blanket in my overnight bag. One host told us to walk into town for lunch. She didn’t join us. It was bizarre enough that I still remember it. She didn’t say anything like, “A work project came up, do you mind…”

Have you been a guest surprised by a host’s unusual habits or behavior?

   

I’m sharing examples of some businesses that have gone above and beyond.

Sock it To Me

Nancie Steinberg gave me a wonderful gift last October: A pair of Pope Leo IV socks that she bought while attending a conference on the property of the Franciscan Friars and Sisters of the Atonement—Graymoor–in Garrison, N.Y. She found the socks at the Graymoor Book and Gift Center. To make them last, I wore them only on special occasions, hand washed and air dried them and within three months, they developed holes. This usually doesn’t happen for a year.

I saw posts by the Sock Religious company on social media and dashed off a note about my precious socks and in short order heard back from Emily MacLennan in customer service who wrote: “Thanks for bringing this to our attention, that’s not the kind of holy we want our socks to be.” She offered to send me another pair and asked for a photo of the holey sock to pass along to the production team for troubleshooting. I offered to send her the socks, once washed, and she said it wasn’t necessary. I already have the replacement pair.

Valentine

I’ve written about this treat before, but it gets me every year. My landlord places a striking long-stemmed rose outside each of the 510 apartments in my building. This year I received an especially stunning one. It’s atypical NYC landlord behavior.

Lost Check

I didn’t realize that my January 21 check to pay for my Visa bill was lost until I noticed, on February 16, that my bank hadn’t recorded it in my statement. Plus, interest of almost $20 appeared on the online Visa invoice. How could that be? I am religious in paying bills immediately.

A wonderful USAA customer service person who was working on Presidents’ Day told me how to handle this, and assured me that my credit wasn’t impacted yet. I had until the check was 30 days late, [I was a few days short], and she blamed the terrible weather that messed up mail deliveries. She told me to call back and ask for the removal of the fee when the check arrived, which I did.

I know—everyone tells me to ditch the checks. I have a system. I like using checks.

Have you enjoyed happy surprises lately?

   

I recall a Mimi Sheraton New York Times restaurant review ages ago in which she gave top marks to the food, ambiance, and service. Nevertheless, it received a lackluster number of stars because at an adjacent table a couple was having a loud argument which spoiled her meal. She felt the owner should have told them to be quiet or leave.

Loud voices, especially angry ones, don’t befit public places.

I admire those who use icy silence punctuated by a stare to express disagreement. Silence can be worth a thousand words. I’m still working on the skill. Raising your voice especially in the workplace is not sensible.

Whether or not you have authority over a colleague, yelling doesn’t achieve what you want. In fact, it can paralyze a person, slowing their efforts to correct a mistake, for example.

Fear doesn’t partner with respect. People will climb mountains if they respect you. Showing disrespect to someone in front of others is the worst and reflects poorly on the big mouth.

Because a person speaks louder than everyone else at the table doesn’t mean that they get their points across more clearly. Reminds me of Americans who raise their voices responding to a non-English speaking tourist thinking that volume will translate their words.

Showing temper at a meeting can stun those around the table so that instead of listening to the yeller, the targets lick their wounds and the others think, “there but for the grace of God go I.” That boss isn’t going to learn the truth from staff. An angry colleague will find that no one has a moment free to pitch in when they are in a pinch.

Roaring at all and sundry with TV cameras rolling may impress some but appall others. Thank goodness most children don’t listen to congressional hearings these days. It would confuse those whose parents tell them, “If you wouldn’t like it said to you, don’t say it to someone else.”

Imagine the kids imitating Pam Bondi at the dinner table or classroom. The way she spoke to some congressmen and women at a hearing last week was beyond the pale. Elected officials deserve respect even if you don’t see eye to eye. So do parents and teachers. Have a problem with a person’s stance on an issue? Address it. Calling a person stupid or dumb is as lazy as it is demeaning–to the speaker. Snarky responses should achieve the reaction my mother used to have which was “my hand is itching.” [She never hit but I knew what she meant.]

Some associate civility with weakness. They think that slamming others shows strength. Which do you believe is most effective?

   

My husband used to say “deep breaths” when I’d be hyperventilating about something. Dear friends say it to me now and I to them. Hearing his words repeated helps. [Nothing substitutes for his magical hands. I would hold one and immediately calm down.]

The topic of stress has come up a few times on the blog since 2008, most recently in 2016 in “Service of Deep Breaths: What Do You Do to Relax?”

I asked a friend who is always as calm as ten rocks in a secure pile what she does when too many worrying things come at her at once or something ominous looms. Her reply: “stay in the moment— don’t look ahead or forecast doom.” Another friend advised to focus on each issue one-by-one.

Something that helps me when I’m committed to meeting many work deadlines at once is to be on top of personal or volunteer obligations so that they don’t add to the agita when they slip into my mind.

Lately, friends have admitted that their sleep has been impacted by political news. An obvious solution is not to watch the applicable shows on TV or read sources of news. But it’s almost impossible to hide from headlines that pop up in emails if you subscribe to digital papers and magazines—and even if you don’t–not to mention what crops up on social media platforms.

When it comes to keeping anxiety at bay—apart from medication—what works for you?

   

A friend who lives in a house in Florida wrote recently, “Putting our trash out on the curb (separate bins for recycle and regular trash) a thought occurred to me: How does one handle all this while living in a high-rise New York apartment? Not easily, I would think.

“Back in the 40’s when we lived in a ‘brownstone’ complex, trash was put in brown paper grocery bags, all very neat and compact and dropped down a chute to the cellar where the super incinerated it. The resultant ash was picked up by city trash trucks. How times have changed!”

How amazing! I have the feeling that 85 years ago families generated a fraction of the garbage we do today and that it didn’t contain so many harmful things such as hard plastic containers that fruits and vegetables come in.

I am shocked at how much I toss every day. I can’t stand having garbage hang around. It’s easy to dispose of bottles and plastic containers. The garbage room is down the hall just past the elevators and is picked up countless times daily.

I covered the topic of compost last year in “Service of Planning and Predictable Failure if You Don’t.” All 510 tenants were told, the day after the law went into effect last April, to compost garbage. I was alarmed and doubtful that I could comply. I was already separating paper from glass, cardboard, plastic and tin. Everything else flew down the garbage chute.

Well guess what? I retrofit a medium sized storage container, [photo above], lined it with a baggie from Trader Joe’s that holds the veggies and fruit I buy—almost custom made—and voila. Coffee grounds, fruit and vegetable peelings, plant cuttings and such go in the compost container. The “everything else” garbage can size bag that went down the chute every two days is now tossed once or twice a week. I have yet to see a mouse around the compost container as I’d feared.

The neat container of incinerated garbage of yore my friend mentioned reminds me of how my husband used to tie up giant piles of newspapers for delivery to the dump upstate. They looked like gifts. [When I was in charge, I filled paper grocery bags with them helter-skelter.] We were also prepared to divide garbage slated for the various containers. Empty soda bottles and cans went to the Boy Scouts for the redemption money.

Have you changed your garbage tossing habits lately? If you’re separating compost material, is it working out?