Sandra BleserElkhorn, WisconsinMarried 20 years – no children“I'm not short, I'm fun-sized! ” “The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God's help be encouraged. ” (Psalm 69:32) Thank you so much for your ...
Sandra Bleser Elkhorn, Wisconsin Married 20 years – no children “I’m not short, I’m fun-sized!”
“The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.” (Psalm 69:32)
Thank you so much for your dedication to this ministry. I can say that God spoke to me through a comment within a podcast where you were being interviewed about a year ago and it has transformed the hopelessness and despair. I was suffering to hope.
We were not meant to change or fix others, only what we can change, which is ourselves. God is the one who changes hearts and minds.”
I recently noticed that you were inquiring about thoughts on how to address personality traits on the SUMA site. May I share some revelations I’ve learned as I’ve been on my journey toward redemption, healing, and restoration:
I think it’s wise to learn about the different types of personalities as well as my own. They not only help us to understand but become aware and watchful of the areas we’re most likely to be prone to temptation … kind of like the 90/10 rule.
God has blessed each of us with a unique mix of traits that I believe are meant to be reflections of His character (so our traits were originally created as good!).
Satan was originally good but became corrupt. I think it’s the same for us (and he uses this to sidetrack and prevent us from experiencing and praising God’s goodness—hence the original sin).
Our unique mix of traits were from God to give Him glory (like the fruits of the spirit), but it’s the 10% part of us that is more prone to certain influences (temptations)—the imperfections caused by the original sin curse that trip us up from expressing the “fruits of the spirit” within our heart, mind, and soul.
The “brokenness” of our personalities is like everything else in creation since the fall…imperfect, and the curse is that our lives ARE a constant struggle until we are called home to Jesus.
But as with everything else, we CAN overcome in Jesus. Satan wants us keep thinking we’re bad, rotten to the core, unredeemable—and it’s a powerful trick. After all Adam and Eve’s first “corrupt feeling” was shame.
However, it’s a simple shift in perspective. If we see the “goodness” our unique mix of traits are, and a gift from God, we can begin to identify and approach the imperfections (traits where we’re most prone to temptation) as helpful “intelligence” as we fight the battle each day.
I now think of these as the “thorns in my flesh” that Paul was speaking in 2 Cor 12:6-10. We should not be upset or fearful, rather, rejoice! “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (vs. 9).
God has given to each what He thinks is necessary to keep us humble and reliant upon Him instead of ourselves.
To be able to identify the traits we have within us is a glorious and encouraging revelation! It provided me great hope, joy, strength, and healing because I knew what “goodness” within me to FOCUS upon, cultivate, and express for God’s glory, and to become more watchful, strong, and quick to surrender to God when I’m tempted:)
Hope this helps, and may God continue to guide, direct, and bless the ministry He’s appointed you to!
Friends, please share your thoughts on how you view God’s perspective on our mix of traits. See you in the comments.
REMINDER: The information shared in this series of posts, Healthy Relationships, is to add to our understanding of our relationships and with some specifics to marriage. The information I share has been vetted to the best of my ability. I may not have the full scope of practices or ministries of which I’ve obtained information or share.
Additionally, many post contain REAL LIFE experiences from our readers here at SUM. We will not judge or criticize anyone here for their experiences. We choose to love and we choose to learn. Because we will find ourselves and our friends within the process of these stories.
Please offer your thoughts and wisdom. We are all on a journey together. Blessings and hugs, Lynn Donovan
Kendra Leathen is a mental health counselor at Elite DNA Behavioral Health, where she works with individuals and families healing from trauma, addiction, and relational wounds. With a background in teaching and a Master of Science degree in Mental and Clinical Health Counseling from Palm Beach Atlantic University and Master of Arts in Theological studies from Liberty University, she is passionate about helping people break cycles of shame and rediscover their voice, identity, and worth. She is mother to an adult son who is currently attending Southeastern University and lives in Boynton Beach, South Florida. Kendra brings both lived experience and clinical insight to her writing and counseling. She enjoys meaningful conversations, music, time with family, and mango flavored smoothies. Her life verse is Jeremiah 29:11 — “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Hi Lynn,
Thank you for opening this conversation. As a mental health professional and a Christian wife who has experienced narcissistic abuse, I believe this topic is not only timely but deeply necessary—especially on platforms that seek marriage restoration.
I also want to acknowledge that you have been a part of this journey with me. During that period, your willingness to hold space for hard truths, to listen, and to encourage wisdom alongside faith has mattered more to me than you may have realized. Unintentionally, many well-meaning marriage restoration ministries overlook the reality that some spouses are trapped in dynamics with abusive partners who have significant personality disorders. Too often, believers—particularly women—are told to “just stay and pray,” without adequate recognition of ongoing emotional, psychological, spiritual, or physical harm.
I experienced this personally. I remained in an abusive marriage for years after being encouraged by seemingly well-intentioned pastors to stay, despite clear patterns of abuse, infidelity, and unfaithfulness to God. The impact was profound, and it required years of counseling, healing work, and spiritual restoration to untangle the damage caused—not only by the marriage itself, but by the spiritual minimization of abuse.
I also believe Christian women need to understand how trauma affects the brain and body. This is not simply about the question of staying or leaving a marriage—it is about health and, in some cases, life itself. Repeated exposure to lies, manipulation, fear, and emotional abuse activate chronic stress responses. Over time, this impacts brain functioning, nervous system regulation, and even the immune system. Trauma is not only spiritual or emotional; it is physiological. Prolonged abuse can weaken the body, increase anxiety and depression, and contribute to long-term health consequences.
When we frame these situations solely as a test of faith or endurance, we risk overlooking the very real psychological and biological toll. The Church must grow in its understanding of personality disorders, trauma, and the difference between sacrificial love and enabling harm. Faith should never be used to silence discernment or keep someone unsafe.
Thank you for your humility in inviting others to contribute and for creating space for honest dialogue. I truly believe this work can bring clarity, healing, and freedom to many who feel unseen or misunderstood in spiritually mismatched and emotionally unsafe relationships.
If you have found a portion of yourself in this story, please share with me. I will pray for you. Your sister in Faith, Kendra
REMINDER: The information shared in this series of posts, Healthy Relationships, is to add to our understanding of our relationships and with some specifics to marriage. The information I share has been vetted to the best of my ability. I may not have the full scope of practices or ministries of which I’ve obtained information or share.
Additionally, many post contain REAL LIFE experiences from our readers here at SUM. We will not judge or criticize anyone here for their experiences. We choose to love and we choose to learn. Because we will find ourselves and our friends within the process of these stories.
Please offer your thoughts and wisdom. We are all on a journey together. Blessings and hugs, Lynn Donovan
REMINDER: The information shared in this series of posts, Healthy Relationships, is to add to our understanding of our relationships and with some specifics to marriage. The information I share has been vetted to the best of my ability. I may not have the full scope of practices or ministries of which I’ve obtained information or share.
Additionally, many post contain REAL LIFE experiences from our readers here at SUM. We will not judge or criticize anyone here for their experiences. We choose to love and we choose to learn. Because we will find ourselves and our friends within the process of these stories.
Please offer your thoughts and wisdom. We are all on a journey together. Blessings and hugs, Lynn Donovan
I found this very interesting from the Love Doctor. This is merely one attachment style. Does this attachment style sound familiar to you? See you in the comments.
In part one, I shared some of my personal experiences with relational patterns that left deep emotional and spiritual marks on my life. Circling back to Lynn’s question about a faith-based study on narcissism and personality disorders, while I have spent years researching the clinical aspects of these dynamics, I have not deeply studied the spiritual dimension of them. Her question prompted me to return to Scripture with fresh eyes, asking what the Word reveals about pride, hardened hearts, deception, and the impact of unchecked patterns of sin within relationships.
2 Timothy 3:1–9 particularly stood out to me. When I read Paul’s description of what people would be like in the “last days,” I was struck by how closely the traits mirrored many of the patterns I lived through and studied clinically. “Lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient, ungrateful, unholy…without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good… having a form of godliness but denying its power.”
What impacted me most was not just the presence of pride or selfishness as we all wrestle with sin, but the patterned nature of the behaviors described. It paints a picture of individuals who are hardened, resistant to truth, and unwilling to be corrected. Paul even warns of those who “worm their way” into households and gain control through manipulation. That language felt uncomfortably familiar.
Verse 5 was particularly sobering: “Having a form of godliness but denying its power.” That phrase captures something I had struggled to articulate – the outward appearance that can seem moral, wounded, or even spiritually upright, while inwardly operating from pride, control, and self-preservation. It is not merely flawed behavior; it is a clear resistance to transformation.
Paul’s instruction is also strikingly clear: “Have nothing to do with such people.” That is not written from a place of hatred, but from discernment. It acknowledges that certain entrenched patterns are spiritually dangerous and emotionally destructive.
Numerous passages throughout Scripture warn against selfish ambition and pride. 1 Peter 5:6 calls us to humble ourselves under God’s mighty hand. Philippians 2:3–5 urges believers to “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,” but instead to value others above ourselves, modeling the humility and love of Christ. James 3:16 is especially direct: “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.”
Ezekiel 28:12–19 also stood out to me. While I know these verses are debatable, many understand it as describing the fall of Lucifer – a being created beautiful and full of wisdom whose heart became prideful because of his splendor. “Your heart became proud on account of your beauty, and you corrupted your wisdom because of your splendor.” That progression – from giftedness to pride, from pride to corruption- mirrors the spiritual danger of unmanaged self-exaltation.
In that sense, Scripture presents pride not merely as a personality flaw, but as a spiritual condition that distorts wisdom and fractures relationships. It begins in the heart, but if it’s left unaddressed, it leads to separation – from truth, from others, and ultimately from God.
Clinically, many professionals suggest that the healthiest way to break free from these behavioral patterns is often to remove yourself from the dynamic because change is rarely possible. From a biblical perspective, however, the issue goes even deeper – it is ultimately a condition of the heart, one that only God can truly transform.
What makes meaningful change so complex is that repentance requires self-awareness. When someone does not recognize the impact of their behavior or consistently redirects responsibility, growth becomes difficult. Transformation, both clinically and spiritually, starts with conviction. It requires a willingness to look inward, to acknowledge harm, and to surrender pride.
Ultimately, heart change is not something we can force in another person. We can establish boundaries. We can pursue healing. We can respond with wisdom and discernment. And we can continually pray – which I do for my ex-husband, and within my current spiritually mismatched marriage.
But lasting transformation is a work of God. That realization shifted something in me. It freed me from the exhausting belief that I had the power to fix what only the Lord can restore. In the end, prayer becomes less about controlling the outcome and more about surrendering the hardened places to Him – trusting that He sees what we cannot change and works in ways we may never fully understand.
What once destabilized me has ultimately driven me deeper into dependence on Him.
Have you encountered other passages in Scripture that speak to pride, hardened hearts, or the relational patterns discussed here? If so, I would love to hear from you in the comments. Your insights may help encourage and strengthen others who are walking similar paths.
