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Lent! We’re now 2 weeks into this annual pilgrimage to meet Jesus at the Cross and then to experience His resurrection of that wonderful Easter Sunday.
For those of you who’ve been here for a while, you’ll know I love Lent. For me, it’s always a season to recalibrate, to assess my relationship with Jesus. Many times, I’m sure, I’ve been guilty of striving a little too much by reading multiple devotionals, undertaking certain disciplines and beating myself up because I’m lousy at fasting.
Not this year. As I mentioned in my last post, Jesus offers us himself and describes himself as gentle and humble. He’s not after our striving.
I was only reflecting on this verse we probably all know well:
“Look at me. I stand at the door. I knock. If you hear me call and open the door, I’ll come right in and sit down to supper with you.” (Revelation 3:20 MSG)
Jesus is standing at our door. Knocking. He wants us to open it so he can come in and join us in whatever we’re doing. It’s a lovely image, isn’t it, because I feel sometimes, we think (well, I know I do) that we must step out of the door to go meet him. So prayer, for example, is opening that door for Jesus to come in. He joins us and dialogues with us.
The Table
The theme my church has adopted this year for Lent is ‘The Table’. Jesus’ banquet of love, grace and power is waiting for us. He brings it when we open the door. His Kingdom. It’s already prepared. All we have to do is open the door.
But experiences are usually more fun when we share them with others. We can open the door and not only, Jesus, walks in, but others to. A banquet isn’t nearly as much fun when we’re the only ones sitting at the table.
Community can be challenging for us Sumites. We’ve often talked about the fact that inviting Christian sisters and brothers into our lives can be difficult if our partner struggles with it. Going to church can be difficult for many of us. Attending a midweek group similarly.
Open the Door
For many years I grappled with this struggle. My partner was concerned she’d lose me to the church and God-things. I understand that. At the same time, she knew I wasn’t the same person without Jesus. The fruit of my relationship with him was some of the reason she loves me.
I opened the door by simply inviting Jesus into the matter. His table is full of all kinds of people and yes, it has its challenges but gosh, the banquet is grand.
When I was sick last year with pneumonia, Fiona witnessed the community come around us in support, prayer and love. It touched her immensely. She met people who’d she’d only ever heard about. She witnessed the wonder of Christian community.
Now I’m not suggesting we all need to get seriously sick for this to happen. It’s taken years of simply opening the door to Jesus, inviting him into solving the ‘other’s issue for us. And he keeps doing it because he knows that walking with others grows our faith and brings about transformation, not just in ourselves, but in the wider community.
May I encourage you today, to simply open the door. To Jesus. Let him come inside and join you in whatever is going on in your day. He loves you so much, he’ll never stop knocking, because he created you for love, for himself and others.
Big love, my friends 
The post The Gift of Others! appeared first on Spiritually Unequal Marriage.
Hello my friends, Ann here.
Lynn is talking about such an important topic at the moment: Difficult personalities in families. I think many of us deal with a situation or two in our family where there is someone with a difficult personality. Would that be true to say?
If I look at Bryce’s and my two extended families there are some personalities in the family who are so easy to deal with and others who are little more complex LOL.
Jesus said:
“If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:46, NIV).
I’m now going to tell you about something that happened to me in 2024. It’s not a very easy thing to share, and I hope I use the right words. I pray God will cover it.
Some of you might remember I had to take a month off from leading and writing SUM at the time. Something bad happened.
I have someone in my life who, when I was a teenager, was abusive towards me. I perceive they were abusive; they do not. They weren’t always abusive, they were also very nice at times, and I loved them — I still do.
When I grew up, the abuse stopped for about fifteen years, and we went on to have a good relationship. But I was always on edge because of the memory.
In 2024 that person did it again, displaying the exact same behaviour as they did when I was a teenager. In that moment I experienced what I would describe as a trauma reaction instantly and ran out of their house. I then went on to shake and cry, on and off, for a week afterwards. Bryce was with me, and together we had the most terrible time afterwards as we were both so upset.
The strength of my reaction surprised me. In the weeks that followed, the memory of the event played and replayed in my mind, over and over, and made me feel physical reactions to the trauma.
Since then, I have not been able to be in contact with that person again, nor go near their house, although they are part of my family’s connections. I simply cannot do it. I have written them a letter explaining the behaviour that I want them to stop, and they have rejected my viewpoint. They do not believe that their behaviour was abusive.
So I have been estranged from this person, which makes it difficult for certain people who are connected to both of us, and of course that sits very uncomfortably for me as a Christian. I am taking time to work this through. After eighteen months of thinking about it, here are some thoughts:
- God doesn’t always protect us from abuse. That’s a feature of the world we live in.
- This other person’s life is so precious to God, and they are dearly loved by him. They’re like the cutest toddler ever in God’s eyes. I love them too.
- Abuse is wicked. It’s ok to hate abuse that has happened to you, and to call it out. It also needs to be uncovered.
- I need to guard my own life and heart, and that includes who I allow to access me. The book of Proverbs has a lot to say about that. Someone’s access to you is a gift; it’s not an automatic right, whatever their relationship to you.
- God needs to guide your decision as to whether to reconcile. You know that God’s heart is a heart of reconciliation. However, it takes two to live in unity, it requires trust, safety and respect; and God doesn’t always ask you to reconcile if the situation is not right for it.
- You can still love the person whether or not you’re present in their life. You can love them in the way you talk about them, think about them and pray for them. You reconcile if it is at all possible, but it isn’t always possible as it depends on the other person’s choices too.
Well, those are the thoughts that have formed, for me, over one and a half years of walking this out. I am still working on it, and it’s difficult. I pray for reconciliation in my situation, but the circumstances have to be ripe for it.
Each situation is different. God knows all about it and guides us.
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Ann
The post Let’s Talk About Abuse and Reconciliation appeared first on Spiritually Unequal Marriage.
WHAT IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
Read Personality Disorders here, Post One.
Read: What a Response, Post Two, here.
I will admit that until recently, due to an unexpected exchange with a family member, I hadn’t explored personality issues outside of spiritual implications. I know there are many people who struggle with mental health that do not acknowledge the very real influence of demonic spirits.
But after my experience and the resulting shock and confusion, I did a deep dive into understanding family of origin relationships, sibling relationships, extended family and marriage relationships. Reading articles and watching videos produced by psychologists was helpful and informative.
Generally, in a healthy adult relationship all of us desire some common attributes. The following are traits in close personal relationships that lead to creating wholeness and to healthy relationships.
- Trust. We want to be trusted, and we need to have genuine trust in those in our various relationship circles.
- Truth. Which leads to honesty. We need to be known and fully accepted and want to know and accept others in our circle.
- Safety. We need to feel safe in our finances, our future, our dreams and goals. We need to feel safe sharing our good, bad and ugly. Safe to reveal our vulnerabilities.
- Respect. Respect as a person, a wife, husband, sibling, parent, child. Acknowledgement and valuing each other’s perspective, qualities and individuality with dignity and honor.
- Worth and belonging. Our deepest need is to KNOW we are loved, accepted, worthy of love and we belong.
- Leveling. Equal voice and respect in the relationship.
We enter into all relationships with an established personality that was created when we were preverbal. Our caregivers, who responded or didn’t, to our cries and needs really set the baseline of our expectations for love and care.
It really goes all the way back.
What I know is this. Even if your start was rough, the love of Jesus can recreate and establish a person into a personality of His traits. Love, patience, kindness goodness, compassion, empathy, etc.
When a child is nurtured with love, safety, comfort and kindness at a very young age, they tend to grow into well adjusted and emotionally regulated and stable adults. They are capable of engaging in rewarding and fulfilling long-term relationships with others.
So we will attempt over the next few weeks to pencil our what the Bible, the psychologist and we as a community think is a healthy emotional personality in adulty.
The first thing I think I learned on this discovery is that as children grow into adults, if they were nurtured and felt safe, they will move into adult relationships that are described as equaling. Meaning they leave behind any age differences (age hierarchy) or maturity differences. They stop viewing the oldest as something more or different. Or the youngest as baby of the family or spoiled.
My examples are generalizations. What I’m driving at is the sibling relationships tend to level out and become mutually supportive and trusting. From these sibling relationships (or not, if only child) we move into our adult relationships and our marriage relationship operating from our family of origin dynamics of understanding.
So, my question today for you is this. For those who have examined your family of origin, what are some of the dynamics you grew up with? How did your faith help to redefine or heal from the distortions or even unhealthy dynamics?
Please take a minute and comment. We need your wisdom. Can’t wait to meet you in the comments. Blessings and hugs, Lynn
The post What Is A Healthy Relationship appeared first on Spiritually Unequal Marriage.
Well….. WOW!
It appears that exploring personality traits and difficulties is a topic of great interest. The overwhelming vote was “yes” to explore some challenging topics in relationships. I also respect those of you who didn’t want to look at this aspect of relationships. And those who cautioned about labeling anyone with a negative personality title.
I respect that personalities, including ours, is under the influence of the spiritual realm, good and evil. And I also respect that labeling someone can release a word curse. I also respect the Many emails I received from you, our community members, that contained your real story of your experience with difficult or challenging personalities. My heart is torn over the pain and difficulty you have experienced. Truly
So, what do we do from here? I’m inclined to cautiously explore the very real challenges that many of us face. If not in our marriage, certainly in other areas of life such as work, church, social relationships.
I also believe it’s beneficial to understand these areas of our inner person in order to see ourselves first and then others in truth and through the lens of love. I believe the best view is through the lens of the love of God for people.
I will do my best to wade through this quagmire looking for Jesus in our search. The questions I want to explore are:
- What does a healthy adult relationship look like? How would we define a healthy person viewed through the lens of love and the Bible.
- How are personalities formed? In formation, what creates stable and healthy adults.
- How are personalities formed that lead to adult disorders and other quirks.
- What is disorder and what is a trait. A commentor helped me to see there is a difference. And how do we navigate these differences.
- How do we balance psychology’s view and the Biblical view in our management of our relationships?
- Honest discussion of narcissism, which is overly diagnosed. So right off the bat I’ll tell you this label is greatly overused.
- I’ve been in this ministry for 20 years; I want to explore the common traits in marriages that I have seen year after year in my counseling. Such as alcoholism, ADHD, anger, pride, and more.
- I want to discuss emotional regulation and dysregulation.
- When should we take responsibility and when to understand we aren’t responsible.
Okay, does this sound like enough??? I’m already overwhelmed. I also want to caution… perhaps myself… that psychology only captures a portion of the overall picture. There is more going on that we realize. AND the power of God and our prayers ARE significant in our relationships.
So PLEASE be patient with me. I also have asked some of you, the readers, who have shared your personal stories, to share them with others here on the site. There is someone in a season of life who needs perspective and hope.
AND I also caution ALL OF US. Do not judge. Refrain from criticizing anyone on this site. We are all learning and want to do the best we are able according to the Lord’s wisdom and direction.
Again…. DO NOT JUDGE… Another’s experience or story. This is a place of encouragement and hope. We are looking to supply honest content to help and love one another.
What questions do you think we should add to this discussion. Let me know in the comments. Blessings and love, Lynn
The post What A Response! appeared first on Spiritually Unequal Marriage.
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