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Hello my friends, Ann here.
Lynn is talking about such an important topic at the moment: Difficult personalities in families. I think many of us deal with a situation or two in our family where there is someone with a difficult personality. Would that be true to say?
If I look at Bryce’s and my two extended families there are some personalities in the family who are so easy to deal with and others who are little more complex LOL.
Jesus said:
“If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:46, NIV).
I’m now going to tell you about something that happened to me in 2024. It’s not a very easy thing to share, and I hope I use the right words. I pray God will cover it.
Some of you might remember I had to take a month off from leading and writing SUM at the time. Something bad happened.
I have someone in my life who, when I was a teenager, was abusive towards me. I perceive they were abusive; they do not. They weren’t always abusive, they were also very nice at times, and I loved them — I still do.
When I grew up, the abuse stopped for about fifteen years, and we went on to have a good relationship. But I was always on edge because of the memory.
In 2024 that person did it again, displaying the exact same behaviour as they did when I was a teenager. In that moment I experienced what I would describe as a trauma reaction instantly and ran out of their house. I then went on to shake and cry, on and off, for a week afterwards. Bryce was with me, and together we had the most terrible time afterwards as we were both so upset.
The strength of my reaction surprised me. In the weeks that followed, the memory of the event played and replayed in my mind, over and over, and made me feel physical reactions to the trauma.
Since then, I have not been able to be in contact with that person again, nor go near their house, although they are part of my family’s connections. I simply cannot do it. I have written them a letter explaining the behaviour that I want them to stop, and they have rejected my viewpoint. They do not believe that their behaviour was abusive.
So I have been estranged from this person, which makes it difficult for certain people who are connected to both of us, and of course that sits very uncomfortably for me as a Christian. I am taking time to work this through. After eighteen months of thinking about it, here are some thoughts:
- God doesn’t always protect us from abuse. That’s a feature of the world we live in.
- This other person’s life is so precious to God, and they are dearly loved by him. They’re like the cutest toddler ever in God’s eyes. I love them too.
- Abuse is wicked. It’s ok to hate abuse that has happened to you, and to call it out. It also needs to be uncovered.
- I need to guard my own life and heart, and that includes who I allow to access me. The book of Proverbs has a lot to say about that. Someone’s access to you is a gift; it’s not an automatic right, whatever their relationship to you.
- God needs to guide your decision as to whether to reconcile. You know that God’s heart is a heart of reconciliation. However, it takes two to live in unity, it requires trust, safety and respect; and God doesn’t always ask you to reconcile if the situation is not right for it.
- You can still love the person whether or not you’re present in their life. You can love them in the way you talk about them, think about them and pray for them. You reconcile if it is at all possible, but it isn’t always possible as it depends on the other person’s choices too.
Well, those are the thoughts that have formed, for me, over one and a half years of walking this out. I am still working on it, and it’s difficult. I pray for reconciliation in my situation, but the circumstances have to be ripe for it.
Each situation is different. God knows all about it and guides us.
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Ann
The post Let’s Talk About Abuse and Reconciliation appeared first on Spiritually Unequal Marriage.
WHAT IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
Read Personality Disorders here, Post One.
Read: What a Response, Post Two, here.
I will admit that until recently, due to an unexpected exchange with a family member, I hadn’t explored personality issues outside of spiritual implications. I know there are many people who struggle with mental health that do not acknowledge the very real influence of demonic spirits.
But after my experience and the resulting shock and confusion, I did a deep dive into understanding family of origin relationships, sibling relationships, extended family and marriage relationships. Reading articles and watching videos produced by psychologists was helpful and informative.
Generally, in a healthy adult relationship all of us desire some common attributes. The following are traits in close personal relationships that lead to creating wholeness and to healthy relationships.
- Trust. We want to be trusted, and we need to have genuine trust in those in our various relationship circles.
- Truth. Which leads to honesty. We need to be known and fully accepted and want to know and accept others in our circle.
- Safety. We need to feel safe in our finances, our future, our dreams and goals. We need to feel safe sharing our good, bad and ugly. Safe to reveal our vulnerabilities.
- Respect. Respect as a person, a wife, husband, sibling, parent, child. Acknowledgement and valuing each other’s perspective, qualities and individuality with dignity and honor.
- Worth and belonging. Our deepest need is to KNOW we are loved, accepted, worthy of love and we belong.
- Leveling. Equal voice and respect in the relationship.
We enter into all relationships with an established personality that was created when we were preverbal. Our caregivers, who responded or didn’t, to our cries and needs really set the baseline of our expectations for love and care.
It really goes all the way back.
What I know is this. Even if your start was rough, the love of Jesus can recreate and establish a person into a personality of His traits. Love, patience, kindness goodness, compassion, empathy, etc.
When a child is nurtured with love, safety, comfort and kindness at a very young age, they tend to grow into well adjusted and emotionally regulated and stable adults. They are capable of engaging in rewarding and fulfilling long-term relationships with others.
So we will attempt over the next few weeks to pencil our what the Bible, the psychologist and we as a community think is a healthy emotional personality in adulty.
The first thing I think I learned on this discovery is that as children grow into adults, if they were nurtured and felt safe, they will move into adult relationships that are described as equaling. Meaning they leave behind any age differences (age hierarchy) or maturity differences. They stop viewing the oldest as something more or different. Or the youngest as baby of the family or spoiled.
My examples are generalizations. What I’m driving at is the sibling relationships tend to level out and become mutually supportive and trusting. From these sibling relationships (or not, if only child) we move into our adult relationships and our marriage relationship operating from our family of origin dynamics of understanding.
So, my question today for you is this. For those who have examined your family of origin, what are some of the dynamics you grew up with? How did your faith help to redefine or heal from the distortions or even unhealthy dynamics?
Please take a minute and comment. We need your wisdom. Can’t wait to meet you in the comments. Blessings and hugs, Lynn
The post What Is A Healthy Relationship appeared first on Spiritually Unequal Marriage.
Well….. WOW!
It appears that exploring personality traits and difficulties is a topic of great interest. The overwhelming vote was “yes” to explore some challenging topics in relationships. I also respect those of you who didn’t want to look at this aspect of relationships. And those who cautioned about labeling anyone with a negative personality title.
I respect that personalities, including ours, is under the influence of the spiritual realm, good and evil. And I also respect that labeling someone can release a word curse. I also respect the Many emails I received from you, our community members, that contained your real story of your experience with difficult or challenging personalities. My heart is torn over the pain and difficulty you have experienced. Truly
So, what do we do from here? I’m inclined to cautiously explore the very real challenges that many of us face. If not in our marriage, certainly in other areas of life such as work, church, social relationships.
I also believe it’s beneficial to understand these areas of our inner person in order to see ourselves first and then others in truth and through the lens of love. I believe the best view is through the lens of the love of God for people.
I will do my best to wade through this quagmire looking for Jesus in our search. The questions I want to explore are:
- What does a healthy adult relationship look like? How would we define a healthy person viewed through the lens of love and the Bible.
- How are personalities formed? In formation, what creates stable and healthy adults.
- How are personalities formed that lead to adult disorders and other quirks.
- What is disorder and what is a trait. A commentor helped me to see there is a difference. And how do we navigate these differences.
- How do we balance psychology’s view and the Biblical view in our management of our relationships?
- Honest discussion of narcissism, which is overly diagnosed. So right off the bat I’ll tell you this label is greatly overused.
- I’ve been in this ministry for 20 years; I want to explore the common traits in marriages that I have seen year after year in my counseling. Such as alcoholism, ADHD, anger, pride, and more.
- I want to discuss emotional regulation and dysregulation.
- When should we take responsibility and when to understand we aren’t responsible.
Okay, does this sound like enough??? I’m already overwhelmed. I also want to caution… perhaps myself… that psychology only captures a portion of the overall picture. There is more going on that we realize. AND the power of God and our prayers ARE significant in our relationships.
So PLEASE be patient with me. I also have asked some of you, the readers, who have shared your personal stories, to share them with others here on the site. There is someone in a season of life who needs perspective and hope.
AND I also caution ALL OF US. Do not judge. Refrain from criticizing anyone on this site. We are all learning and want to do the best we are able according to the Lord’s wisdom and direction.
Again…. DO NOT JUDGE… Another’s experience or story. This is a place of encouragement and hope. We are looking to supply honest content to help and love one another.
What questions do you think we should add to this discussion. Let me know in the comments. Blessings and love, Lynn
The post What A Response! appeared first on Spiritually Unequal Marriage.
Lynn here. I am so glad that several of you have applied to be guest authors. Joy, has written for SUM before. Today she is bringing another great article. Be encouraged. Hugs, Lynn
Joy: There are moments in life when we look around and wonder how we got here.
I’ve often questioned why I moved so far from home—away from everything familiar. I met my husband online, knowing the distance between us, and yet we chose to pursue the relationship. In truth, we had both just left traumatic marriages and likely should have given ourselves more time to heal. But we fell in love. Eventually, I moved to be with him, believing love would be enough to build something new.
Blending two broken families proved harder than either of us expected. Unresolved wounds surfaced quickly, and the weight of past trauma followed us into our marriage. What we hoped would feel like a fresh start often felt overwhelming. Marriage exposed the places in both of us that were still unhealed.
And then, in the middle of that darkness, I surrendered my life to Christ. My heart began to change—but that transformation left my marriage spiritually mismatched.
I found myself asking why. Why this marriage? Why this place? Why this isolation? Why, after leaving an abusive relationship, was I here again—fighting battles I never anticipated?
My mentor and friend encouraged me to read the book of Esther. At first, I didn’t see the connection. I prayed for understanding and began reflecting slowly, passage by passage.
Esther’s story doesn’t tell us how she felt, but when I paused to imagine her life, everything shifted. Orphaned. Far from home. Living in a land where her faith wasn’t practiced. Chosen into an arranged marriage to a king—likely without love, without a voice, without control. Isolated. Secluded. I can’t help but think she felt fear, loneliness, and grief. Yet God had placed her there for a purpose she could not yet see.
During my own trials, I wanted nothing more than for my husband to be saved. I felt alone carrying my faith in our home. That loneliness turned into intrusive thoughts—then anger. I questioned God. I stopped praying. I allowed the noise to consume me.
One night, trying to escape my thoughts, I put on a show. A line was spoken that stopped me in my tracks:
“Anger only hurts the person holding onto it. You can let it destroy you—or let it sustain you.”
It wasn’t a biblical show by any means — but God still used it. In that moment, I felt the Holy Spirit gently but firmly convict my heart. I turned it off, knelt down, and repented — not because my pain wasn’t real, but because I realized the anger I was holding onto wasn’t from God. It wasn’t protecting me or strengthening me. It was slowly hardening my heart, stealing my peace, and pulling my focus away from Him. I could feel the difference immediately — the weight of anger versus the quiet peace that comes when we surrender it to the Lord. God reminded me that while anger may feel justified in the moment, it does not lead to healing or freedom. Only He does.
Esther didn’t escape her circumstances. She didn’t demand answers. She trusted God within them. She stepped forward in faith, risking her life to save her people—believing God was in control even when the outcome was unknown.
“And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”
—Esther 4:14
God was in control of Esther’s life, just as He is in ours. We may not understand where He has placed us or why—but nothing is accidental. The enemy attacks hardest in seasons of exhaustion, isolation, and fear. But those are the very moments we must turn to God.
We may not always have the words. Sometimes all we can do is whisper, “Help me.” And that is enough.
God knows every thought we can’t articulate, every burden we carry silently. He is our refuge, our strength, and our companion in the waiting. The same God who sustained Esther sustains us still.
Be faithful. Be patient. Stay.
No matter how hopeless things feel, God is always at work – and He is not finished yet my dear friends.
The post For Such a Time as This appeared first on Spiritually Unequal Marriage.
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