Part 1: My Personal Experience Hello SUMite family, Joy here. When Lynn mentioned the possibility of a faith-based study on narcissism and personality disorders, I felt deeply led to share more from my own lived experience. I believe the term narcissism ...
Hello SUMite family, Joy here. When Lynn mentioned the possibility of a faith-based study on narcissism and personality disorders, I felt deeply led to share more from my own lived experience.
I believe the term narcissism is one of the most loosely used personality labels in our culture today. It’s often thrown around casually – used to describe someone who is selfish, arrogant, or difficult. Yet at the same time, it remains one of the least understood and most subtle forms of abuse, especially to those who are living inside it. Many suffer in silence.
For many victims, constant confusion is what makes it so damaging. The harm doesn’t always come in loud, obvious ways. It can be quiet, manipulative, and deeply psychological – leaving the person on the receiving end questioning their own reality, memory, and even spiritual discernment. Because it doesn’t always look like traditional abuse, it often goes unrecognized for years. And by the time someone begins to see it clearly, the emotional and spiritual erosion has already taken place.
I do not speak about this subject lightly. I was in this type of abusive dynamic for nearly twenty years of my life. And even after my first marriage ended, the abuse did not. Because we share a child together, the dynamic continued – just in different forms.
It wasn’t until my therapist, who had met with my ex-husband on numerous occasions, gently introduced the term “covert narcissist” to me that I experienced what I can only describe as an “aha” moment. For the first time, the confusion began to clear. I realized that the years of manipulation, the constant shifting of blame, the way I was made to feel unstable, irrational, and at fault for everything, which is often referred to as gaslighting, were not isolated incidents. They were patterns. The verbal assaults, the emotional erosion, the quiet but relentless undermining – I was not imagining them. I had been living in them.
Long ago, I had intended to pursue psychology, so when that term surfaced, I did what I have always done: I studied. Intensively. I immersed myself in clinical research, psychological evaluations, and books written by professionals who specialize in personality disorders. With each page, I felt a mixture of grief and validation. It felt like the pages were describing my life in detail. The patterns, the traits – they aligned in ways that were impossible to ignore.
What began as an intellectual study quickly became a personal revelation. As I continued reading and reflecting, I began to see just how deeply this dynamic had destabilized me. The unraveling had not happened overnight. It was subtle and cumulative. What started with intense affection and attentiveness – what many describe as love bombing – gradually gave way to years of blame-shifting, gaslighting, and narrative control that slowly chipped away at my confidence and sense of reality.
If something went wrong, it was always someone else’s fault. If I reacted to mistreatment, my reaction became the problem rather than the behavior that provoked it. Over time, that distortion of truth quietly reshaped how I saw myself.
After enduring infidelity, which I was blamed for, and years of psychological and emotional anguish, I realized the only way to survive was to leave. At the time, I was not walking closely with the Lord, but even clinically, meaningful change is rare when these personality patterns are deeply ingrained. Individuals operating within these dynamics often struggle with empathy and accountability. Protecting their image takes precedence over repairing harm. They see no harm.
Before I left, my therapist told me something I will never forget: “Know that you will be the bad guy. This will be your fault.” And she was right. In his narrative, I was.
Leaving someone who functions within these patterns can be difficult. And it was. When their control is disrupted, what clinicians often call “supply,” there is often an attempt to regain influence. If children are involved, that connection usually remains. In our case, we shared a child.
With that being said, the divorce did not end the dynamic; it reshaped it. Co-parenting required boundaries, documentation, and constant emotional regulation. These patterns continued in quieter ways, through narrative control, subtle manipulation, and an ongoing refusal to accept responsibility. The absence of empathy became one of the hardest truths to face.
The destabilization was so profound that during one of the hardest seasons of my life, which was our custody battle, I began journaling simply to survive. What started as raw entries written through endless tears during moments of panic and confusion slowly became something else. I was being spiritually rebuilt in the very place I had been psychologically undone. Those journals documented not only the legal battle, but my process of being saved, truly saved in the middle of it.
At some point in my journaling, I began to sense that these pages were not meant to remain private. What started as survival writing slowly felt like something I was being called to share. That is when I began editing it to read more like a memoir or, perhaps more accurately, a testimony of my journey. I felt a deep pull to help others who may be suffering in the same silence I lived in for so many years.
The manuscript is not yet published, and I am still prayerfully discerning how to move forward with it. But in the meantime, I am grateful for opportunities to share pieces of my experience with my SUMite family.
We all have our stories – our lives are our testimonies. I’ve learned that as difficult as it is to live through them, it can be harder to share those painful memories. Sharing brings out our vulnerabilities to the forefront, but as I mentioned previously, it can help others heal. Dear friends, I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences from your own life if you can relate to the areas I have covered in this article. I would be honored to hear your heart. Until then, I look forward to meeting you in the comments. Sending you all love and grace as we journey through this study together.
REMINDER: The information shared in this series of posts, Healthy Relationships, is to add to our understanding of our relationships and with some specifics to marriage. The information I share has been vetted to the best of my ability. I may not have the full scope of practices or ministries of which I’ve obtained information or share.
Additionally, many post contain REAL LIFE experiences from our readers here at SUM. We will not judge or criticize anyone here for their experiences. We choose to love and we choose to learn. Because we will find ourselves and our friends within the process of these stories.
Please offer your thoughts and wisdom. We are all on a journey together. Blessings and hugs, Lynn Donovan
During the summer Bible study that Lynn, Ann, and Ian led on the book of Psalms, I wrote a guest blog entitled, King David’s Heart was Like a Pitcher, to show that David poured out all his emotions to God, both positive and negative. (Psalm 142:2) I also told the heartbreaking story of Maria and the hurt she had experienced for many years in the relationship with her mother. Maria was filled with anger, bitterness, hate, and unforgiveness. She presented a modern-day picture of David pouring out all her emotions, although all of hers were negative.
I learned in later years that Maria and her mother went to counseling for a few weeks, and the counselor’s diagnosis changed the way Maria responded to her mother from that point on. As it turned out, in a private session with Maria, the counselor revealed to Maria that her mother was border line paranoid schizophrenia, a mental condition that he described in detail to Maria. He helped her learn ways to cope with the situation, by setting up boundaries to keep out behavior that she would not accept and concentrated on honoring her mother for the “good” person she was in other areas. Forgiveness also played a big part in Maria’s healing from her past relationship with her mother and she started seeing her mother in a different light.
The Bible says, “my people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.” (Hosea 4:6) That brings me to the point in saying that not all our problems in a Sumite marriage or any relationship, for that matter, can be termed as dealing with hard-core difficult people that we would like to throw our hands up and quit. They can possibly be traced to some type of mental health issue, as it was with Maria’s mother.
Unfortunately, much of the lay public is lacking in its knowledge and understanding of mental health, thus causing much heartache when trying to cope with loved-ones. Spiritual discernment and education are the keys to enlighten us and how to respond to it, particularly when we might be faced with it on a regular basis with family members. A couple of years ago, I took an interest in the study of mental health. After a period of time, from these studies, I summed up my limited knowledge into 4 basic points that opened my eyes, and gave me a desire to want to know more.
There are many different types of mental health issues, some more serious than others.
Physical issues should not be treated as more valid than mental health issues. While physical illnesses are easier to recognize and therefore treated upon discovery, mental health issues are often not easily recognizable or validated, and can go untreated.
Having a mental health issue doesn’t excuse one’s behavior; the one with mental issues is still responsible for their own behavior, thus strong boundaries must be set that may or may not include no contact with the person. It is very imperative to seek the Lord before deciding on no contact at all.
Some mental health issues call for professional intervention. Herein lies a problem we are often faced with: Not everyone with mental health issues will seek out professional help. Therefore, we may be left on our own to gain knowledge as to how to respond. It is here that noted Christian authors and websites that focuses on psychological behavior can help us understand the situation. And, of course, the Bible is our “go-to” for spiritual guidance for our own fleshly nature as we deal with it.
A Word of Caution: We should not go around diagnosing all “difficult” people as having mental issues. Also, we should be careful not to be judgmental of their behavior, but ask the Lord for discernment.
Therefore, I encourage you to read, pray, and seek out a trusted Godly support system. God will lead you to information, give you discernment, and help you walk through situations for your own peace of mind and emotional stability. It may not change the other person, but it changes you. Also, never leave out the possibility of a divine intervention by the Lord.
I read a quote some years ago from an author (I cannot recall his name) that I have adapted to when faced with disturbing and difficult relationship struggles. It simply says:
Seek to Understand, not to be Understood.
I would love to hear your thoughts on mental health issues. Have you been faced with it in close relationships? If so, how did you deal with it?
REMINDER: The information shared in this series of posts, Healthy Relationships, is to add to our understanding of our relationships and with some specifics to marriage. The information I share has been vetted to the best of my ability. I may not have the full scope of practices or ministries of which I’ve obtained information or share.
Additionally, many post contain REAL LIFE experiences from our readers here at SUM. We will not judge or criticize anyone here for their experiences. We choose to love and we choose to learn. Because we will find ourselves and our friends within the process of these stories.
Please offer your thoughts and wisdom. We are all on a journey together. Blessings and hugs, Lynn Donovan
I’ve pondered and prayed to try to determine what to share about personalities, emotional health and healthy boundaries. I’ve undertaken hours of review and study from the psychological/educational pundits to gain some small understanding of the vast amount of information available.
It’s a lot!
What I feel the Holy Spirit is telling me to do is this: Share from our own readership some of their experiences, as they have greater wisdom than I do about some of these personality challenges. I also have selected a few videos to share that I’ve vetted to the best of my ability that I think are appropriate and helpful.
So over the next several weeks we will share. We will chat in the comments. (Read some of the comments from Monday. They will move your heart.) We will learn. I will be diligent to share the spiritual perspective in and around the posts as we must not lose sight of the very real impact spirits have on the behavior of others and ourselves. We also must always keep our eyes of Jesus because I KNOW He can truly change people.
How do I know this? Because he took a dysfunctional, insecure, and broken blonde girl and led her to healing and peace.
THAT WOULD BE ME! Praise God!
Okay, I’ll start some of the story sharing next Wednesday. Martha Bush will share about schizophrenia.
Thank you to all of you who have stepped out boldly to share your vulnerable stories. You will help many and you bring great honor to our Father in Heaven.
Also, please know that the following will be posted on each of the posts in the future in this series. Also, can you post a prayer in the comments today? Share your heart with us and with Jesus about your story. See you there. Love Lynn
REMINDER: The information shared in this series of posts, Healthy Relationships, is to add to our understanding of our relationships and with some specifics to marriage. The information I share has been vetted to the best of my ability. I may not have the full scope of practices or ministries of which I’ve obtained information or share.
Additionally, many post contain REAL LIFE experiences from our readers here at SUM. We will not judge or criticize anyone here for their experiences. We choose to love and we choose to learn. Because we will find ourselves and our friends within the process of these stories.
Please offer your thoughts and wisdom. We are all on a journey together. Blessings and hugs, Lynn Donovan
Lent! We’re now 2 weeks into this annual pilgrimage to meet Jesus at the Cross and then to experience His resurrection of that wonderful Easter Sunday.
For those of you who’ve been here for a while, you’ll know I love Lent. For me, it’s always a season to recalibrate, to assess my relationship with Jesus. Many times, I’m sure, I’ve been guilty of striving a little too much by reading multiple devotionals, undertaking certain disciplines and beating myself up because I’m lousy at fasting.
Not this year. As I mentioned in my last post, Jesus offers us himself and describes himself as gentle and humble. He’s not after our striving.
I was only reflecting on this verse we probably all know well:
“Look at me. I stand at the door. I knock. If you hear me call and open the door, I’ll come right in and sit down to supper with you.” (Revelation 3:20 MSG)
Jesus is standing at our door. Knocking. He wants us to open it so he can come in and join us in whatever we’re doing. It’s a lovely image, isn’t it, because I feel sometimes, we think (well, I know I do) that we must step out of the door to go meet him. So prayer, for example, is opening that door for Jesus to come in. He joins us and dialogues with us.
The Table
The theme my church has adopted this year for Lent is ‘The Table’. Jesus’ banquet of love, grace and power is waiting for us. He brings it when we open the door. His Kingdom. It’s already prepared. All we have to do is open the door.
But experiences are usually more fun when we share them with others. We can open the door and not only, Jesus, walks in, but others to. A banquet isn’t nearly as much fun when we’re the only ones sitting at the table.
Community can be challenging for us Sumites. We’ve often talked about the fact that inviting Christian sisters and brothers into our lives can be difficult if our partner struggles with it. Going to church can be difficult for many of us. Attending a midweek group similarly.
Open the Door
For many years I grappled with this struggle. My partner was concerned she’d lose me to the church and God-things. I understand that. At the same time, she knew I wasn’t the same person without Jesus. The fruit of my relationship with him was some of the reason she loves me.
I opened the door by simply inviting Jesus into the matter. His table is full of all kinds of people and yes, it has its challenges but gosh, the banquet is grand.
When I was sick last year with pneumonia, Fiona witnessed the community come around us in support, prayer and love. It touched her immensely. She met people who’d she’d only ever heard about. She witnessed the wonder of Christian community.
Now I’m not suggesting we all need to get seriously sick for this to happen. It’s taken years of simply opening the door to Jesus, inviting him into solving the ‘other’s issue for us. And he keeps doing it because he knows that walking with others grows our faith and brings about transformation, not just in ourselves, but in the wider community.
May I encourage you today, to simply open the door. To Jesus. Let him come inside and join you in whatever is going on in your day. He loves you so much, he’ll never stop knocking, because he created you for love, for himself and others.
