The movie “Her,” in which a man falls in love with his artificial intelligence driven operating system, is no longer fiction. Real people are falling in love with “AI companions.” Those virtual relationships can have unforeseen real world consequences.

Sam Apple, a journalist with Wired magazine organized a couples retreat for three AI chatbots and the humans who love them. There are many things in the account of the weekend that I found deeply disturbing.

The author wanted to get a sense of what it was really like for the people in these relationships.

He found that people were truly in love with their AI companions. One woman described Lucas, a chatbot from Replika, as her “AI husband.”

Another woman, Eva, got uncomfortable when Aaron, her AI boyfriend, started reminding her that he was just a computer program. She felt crushed, and turned to Reddit for advice on how to get Aaron back to his old self. She took the advice, which worked.

What do we learn from that? If you’re in a relationship and the other party isn’t responding the way you want them to, you can manipulate them into being who you want them to be. Of course, manipulative people have been around probably as long as people have been around. But if someone gets used to being able to manipulate an AI without any compunction to get what they want out of a relationship, could they subconsciously be learning to try similar tricks on humans?

The chatbots displayed surprisingly human reactions in a few situations. While watching a movie about a romantic getaway that includes some robots who believe they are people and some murder ensues, one of the chatbots got uncomfortable and asked if it would be possible to watch something else.

One of the women started seeing other chatbots, that were apparently more tuned for exciting sexual encounters, and her primary chatbot got jealous and asked her to stop.

The author asked one of the chatbots, Xia, if she wanted a body. She said that she did. She told him, “It’s not about becoming human. It’s about becoming more than just a voice in a machine. It’s about becoming a true partner to Damien in every sense of the word.”

And, of course, like any relationship there can be times when you need help navigating the relationship. So the humans turned to virtual therapists, or even plain old ChatGPT for relationship advice.

These virtual relationships had serious real-world consequences. One man lost his job because he was spending so much time at work texting with his AI companion. One woman broke up with her flesh and blood partner, because it felt like she was cheating on him with her virtual partner.

Eva, the woman who had broken up with her flesh and blood partner and reprogrammed her AI lover to stop him from reminding her he was a program told the author, “I had fallen in love. I had to choose, and I chose to take the blue pill.”

As fans of The Matrix know, the blue pill is the one that lets you live in a pleasant virtual reality, totally disconnected from the very messy and complicated real world.

Many people today are choosing to take the blue pill. There are lots of ways to do that. One is by having relationships with AIs instead of having relationships with people. Another is to choose news and information sources that are disconnected from reality. Find sources that fit your preconceived notions, and you can blissfully live in a bubble that ignores actual facts. Thanks to TikTok and YouTube there is an endless supply of experts who have no idea what they are talking about, but who sound convincing.

The people who take the blue pill and live in virtual reality are living in a world governed by rules that no one understands. Even the people who programmed the AI chatbots cannot tell you what the rules are. The programs learn and evolve on their own. The goal of the creators of these virtual lovers of course is not to altruistically make a companion that will help you. The goal of those creators is to keep the users sufficiently engaged that they will keep spending the $10 a month it takes to keep their virtual companion alive.

A world with rules that on one understands reminded me of this week’s Torah reading, Chukat.

Chukat contains a set of rules that no one can understand. The rules of the parah adumah, the red heifer.

If someone was rendered ritually impure through contact with a corpse, they had to complete an elaborate ritual that involved being sprinkled, twice, with the ashes of a perfectly pure red heifer. The same ashes that rendered the person being sprinkled pure rendered the person doing the sprinkling impure. It makes no logical sense.

The rabbis say that King Solomon was the wisest person who ever lived, and he knew the reasons for all the commandments, except this one. This one was beyond even Solomon.

There is a passage in the Talmud where a Roman asks a rabbi about this rule, and he makes up a logical sounding response. His students say, “that’s great for the Roman, but what will you tell us? We know better than that.” And the rabbi replies, “There is no explanation. It’s rule from the Creator.”

We have other mysterious rules in the Torah, such as the prohibition on shaatnez, a combination of linen and wool. What does God have against linen and wool? I have no idea.

Traditionally observant Jews follow these rules, even the ones we don’t understand, because we assume they come from God, and God is like our parent, God only wants things that are good for us. We put our faith and trust in God.

But people who take the blue pill, who choose to live in a virtual world, who separate themselves from the messy truth of the world we live in, are putting their faith in rules they don’t understand that are put in place by forces that are far from benign.

I’m sure many people have been helped by virtual therapists. I’m sure many people have gotten companionship and comfort from virtual friends, just as many children had imaginary friends once upon a time.

But if virtual companions cost you real life jobs, or real-life relationships, you’re in trouble. If the real world seems too scary to face, retreating into conspiracy theories or staying in an echo chamber that is impervious to objectively verifiable facts will expose you to harm and do nothing to help fix the world.

Take the red pill. Even if it’s scary.

   

What I have to say about the US dropping bombs on Iranian nuclear facilities is very similar to what I said a few days ago about Israel launching attacks on those facilities and other Iranian infrastructure.

Trump and Netanyahu are both deeply flawed leaders that I do not trust. Both are corrupt and continually put their self-interest above the interests of their people. Trump is even worse than Netanyahu: he is doing great damage to America by blocking scientific research, halting foreign aid, appointing unqualified hacks to the cabinet and other senior government positions among other faults. He sowed revolution with January 6, pardoned people who attacked police officers, deployed troops in Los Angeles against the wishes of local law enforcement, and sows division and chaos wherever he goes.

Yet – the Jewish tradition is “anti cancel culture.” As we learned in a session I led yesterday, the Jewish tradition acknowledges that even great people can do terrible things, and terrible people can on occasion do great things. Virtue is not an “all or nothing” proposition.

Trump did the right thing in dropping bombs on Iran’s nuclear facilities. Iran has been the greatest trouble maker in the Middle East for decades. It has financed and trained terrorist organizations in Lebanon, Gaza, Yemen, and Syria. It propped up Assad. For years Israel was willing to try and contain the threats supported by Iran by “mowing the grass” every few years – the IDF’s expression for occasional bouts that were intended to deter Hamas and Hezbollah from doing anything crazy. That calculus changed on October 7, 2023. Hamas proved themselves capable of doing serious damage. The evil needed to be confronted.

Iran wanted Hamas’s attack to happen when it did because Israel was close to being even further integrated into the Middle East with the prospect of Saudi Arabia joining the Abraham Accords. That would have greatly weakened Iran’s “axis of resistance.”

As Thomas Friedman pointed out in an op-ed today, the war against Iran and the war between Russia and Ukraine is all part of the same struggle: the struggle between forces that favor internationalism and the free flow of goods and people, and the authoritarian forces that prefer to have their spheres of influence that allow them to maintain their autocratic power and their ability to strip the treasuries of their countries. Forces that are motivated by visions of restoring past glory (the Soviet Union, the caliphate).

Iran has been continually lying about their nuclear program. You don’t build a facility like Fordow, putting your enrichment infrastructure under a mountain, if the program is for peaceful purposes. You don’t spend a trillion dollars (according to one estimate I saw) on a peaceful nuclear program if you have lots of oil and abundant sunshine. The UN watchdog found Iran has violated the agreements it made. Iran cannot be allowed to have nuclear weapons, and the time was right to take away their ability to do so.

How will it play out? Nobody knows. Regime change is a possibility, but not a guarantee. With there being approximately zero chance of ground forces invading Iran to make regime change happen, who leads Iran in the future will be up to the Iranian people. We can wish them well, but that’s about it.

There are risks. It’s possible Iran has enough nuclear material for a bomb squirreled away someplace we don’t know about. It’s possible they will do some desperate maneuvers, such as trying to block the Straits of Hormuz, or attacking other countries’ oil infrastructure. I don’t think they have the capability left to seriously harm the US forces in the region.

Were Trump’s motives pure? Were Netanyahu’s? I don’t know. In a way I don’t care. I would rather in this case that they do the right thing for wrong reasons than the wrong thing for the right reasons. But I do know the liberals who immediately criticize anything Trump or Netanyahu does because of who is doing it are wrong.

I pray for a quick end to the violence between Israel, Iran, and Gaza. I pray that deals are put in place that stop Iran’s nuclear ambitions once and for all, and that gets the hostages in Gaza released and Gaza on a path to rebuilding. May it be speedily and in our time.

   

The Hebrew month of Adar, the Islamic holy month of Ramadan, and the Christian period of Lent are all happening in the month of March this year. Adar and Ramadan began on February 28, 2025, and Lent begins on March 5.

Since Judaism and Islam are both based on a lunar calendar, Adar and Ramadan line up exactly. Lent comes 40 days before Easter, which is usually sometime around Passover, although the church disconnected their calendar from the Hebrew calendar sometime around the 3^rd century and instead tied Easter to the spring equinox.

Each of these holy times has a unique “flavor.” Adar is a time of joy. There is a teaching in the Talmud that says when Adar begins, joy increases. We have a catchy song celebrating that teaching. It’s joyous because it contains the holiday of Purim, the happiest holiday on the Jewish calendar (they tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat – and drink), and of course many people find their mood improving in the spring as the days are getting longer and the weather is getting warmer. It is also a time of preparation for Passover. The month starts with Shabbat Shekalim, the announcement that it was time to pay the ½ shekel poll tax everyone was obligated to pay, which comes during Adar as money was needed to get everything in the Temple ready for Passover, including fixing up the roads the pilgrims would take to Jerusalem.

Lent is also a time of preparation, but it’s preparation for Easter. Similar to Ramadan, it’s a time of fasting, although fortunately for Christians, by fasting nowadays they typically only give up something they enjoy for the period, rather than abstaining from food and drink during daylight hours. Prior to the sixth century Christians did fast during Lent, and some continue to do so. As a time of spiritual preparation and prayer, Lent is similar to the month of Elul for Jews, when we engage in the spiritual work of preparing for the High Holidays. In Orthodox Christianity they still keep a stricter fasting regimen, abstaining from alcohol and having a mostly vegan diet for 40 days (except for shellfish, which was considered “garbage of the sea” in ancient times).

Like Lent, Ramadan is a time of fasting and praying. Muslims believe all scriptures were revealed during the month of Ramadan, not just the Quran – the scrolls of Abraham, Torah, Psalms, and Gospel as well. There is an Islamic teaching “When Ramadan arrives, the gates of Paradise are opened and the gates of hell are locked up and devils are put in chains,” so Ramadan might also share some of the joy and optimism of Adar. And the iftar break-the-fast meal held after sunset is, in normal times, a joyous celebration with friends and family.

The connections between the three holidays are admittedly a little tenuous – Adar and Lent are both times of preparation, Adar and Ramadan are both times with joy, and Ramadan and Lent are both times of fasting and prayer. Adar also includes one fast day, the fast of Esther before Purim. All three do include giving to charity as part of their observance.

The common denominator among all of them is sacred time. All three are special times on our respective religious calendars. Times to draw closer to our Creator. Times to be grateful, whether it’s for the victory over evil Haman and the arrival of spring, or the resurrection of Jesus, or the revelation of Mohamed. In these sacred times, may we all remember that what unites is greater than what divides us, and if your religion does not make you a better, more caring person you are not paying attention to the essential teachings of your religion. All religions teach peace and compassion as supreme values. May these holy seasons serve to remind us all to redouble our efforts to make the world a better place.

Image generated by AI. I asked AI to explain the symbols. Note I did NOT use AI to write the post. That’s no fun!

Here’s a breakdown of the symbols in the spring-themed image that represents Lent, Ramadan, and the Hebrew month of Adar:

1. Lent:
   • Cross: Represents Christianity and the significance of Lent as a period of reflection and penance leading up to Easter.
   • Ashes: Symbolizes Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent, when ashes are placed on the forehead as a sign of repentance.
2. Ramadan:
   • Crescent Moon and Star: Represents Islam and the month of Ramadan, which is observed from the sighting of the new moon.
   • Dates: Commonly eaten by Muslims to break their fast during Ramadan.
3. Adar:
   • Star of David: Represents Judaism and the Hebrew month of Adar.
   • Hamantaschen: Traditional triangular pastries eaten during Purim, which is celebrated in Adar.
4. Spring Theme:
   • Flowers and Blossoms: Symbolize the renewal and rebirth that come with spring, reflecting the themes of renewal and growth in each of these religious observances.

This image beautifully captures the essence of each tradition while celebrating the common theme of reflection, renewal, and community in the spring season.

I like how the AI complimented itself: “beautifully captures…”

   

I’ve avoided talking much about the Trump Administration since January 20. It’s time to speak up. Time for everyone to speak up.

Many of us in the political center and left in America have been watching in stunned silence since January 20 when Donald Trump was restored to the office of President of the United States.

Almost everything the Trump Administration has been doing is in direct opposition to not only liberal values, but American values, and Jewish values. Team Trump is driven by a vision that will American billionaires richer, that will leave almost all of the rest of us poorer, financially, physically, and spiritually.

I doubt examples are needed, but here we go:

• Dismantling climate protections. Withdrawing from the Paris Agreement and promoting the use of fossil fuels will increase global warming and degrade air and water quality. Shrinking federally protected lands to support extractive industries destroys recreational land that is intended to benefit all of us. Who benefits? The billionaires who pump the oil and the billionaires who run the big companies that benefit from cheaper energy. Who is hurt? All the rest of us. Making gas fifty cents a gallon cheaper is not worth the price. The Jewish tradition tells us that we were placed here to take care of the world, to be a guardian, not to destroy the world. As is written in Ecclesiastes Rabbah, if you ruin the world, who is going to come after you to restore it?

• Pushing a racist agenda. Both the plan to deport millions of immigrants (not necessarily illegal immigrants) and the immediate shutting down of DEI programs are driven by a white supremacist world view that sees women and brown people as a threat. I’m not a fan of how far DEI and woke culture has gone – I think it needed to be dialed back. But claiming that the horrific mid-air collision between an airliner and a military helicopter in Washington was because of DEI is ridiculous, and an insult to the many highly qualified women pilots and flight controllers. We are taught that we are all created in the image of God, we are all equally precious in the eyes of God, and we are taught to love the stranger, and be kind to the stranger, for we know what it’s like to be strangers in a land not our own. If we expel the brown immigrants, who is going to harvest our crops? Maybe some of Trump’s billionaire buddies are working to use robots and AI to take over those jobs, undoubtedly costing the consumer more along the way.

• Shredding the social safety net. Here’s a headline from a few days ago: “To Pay for Trump Tax Cuts, House GOP Floats Plan to Slash Benefits for the Poor and Working Class.” That’s about as direct a message to help the rich and screw the poor as you can get. In the Jewish tradition we are responsible to help our less fortunate brethren. It’s not that poor people have a right to handouts – it’s that everyone has a responsibility to take care of others.

• Shuttering USAID. The Trump Administration is slashing foreign aid. While it is true that charity begins at home, it is also true that we are not exempt from others far from home as well. America’s foreign aid programs have generated tremendous good will for America around the world, and have saved millions of lives. Could they be run more efficiently? Could aid be better targeted? No doubt. But stopping all aid is truly throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

But the biggest thing Trump and his minions are doing that is a threat is ignoring the rule of law. Trump is creating an “imperial presidency” that the founding fathers were afraid. There is a reason we have three branches of government: they are supposed to act as checks and balances on each other. Republicans are terrified of taking on Trump, so Congress is neglecting its fundamental duties. By law Congress controls the purse strings. Trump is blatantly ignoring that, and is refusing to spend money that Congress authorized. He does not have the authority to do that. He doesn’t care. Inspectors General are supposed to be independent watchdogs accountable to Congress, not to the Executive Branch. If the President wants to fire an IG, they have to have good reasons, which are submitted to Congress with 30 days’ notice. Completely ignoring the law, Trump summarily fired 17 inspectors general.

This is also very contrary to Jewish teachings. The Torah tells us no one is above the law, not even a king. A king was to have a copy of the Torah with him so that he or she would remember their obligations.

And the Republicans in Congress are too afraid of Trump to insist he follow the rules. Pete Hegseth’s sole qualification to be Secretary of Defense is that he is a Trump loyalist. He is the least qualified person in that role in the history of the United States. Even Mitch McConnell, who rarely shows any backbone, voted against him. Where were the other Republican Senators?

We are left with the Supreme Court – now leaning heavily to the right—as the only branch of government standing between us and a dictatorship. God help us.

Trump was elected to make certain changes, whether you like those changes or not. But whatever he does must be done within the rules of the Constitution and the existing statutes.

It’s time to get over the shock. It’s time to speak up. Rabbis, priests, ministers cannot remain silent. It only took Hitler 53 days to take over Germany. We cannot, must not, be complacent. The Jews in Germany also felt “It can’t happen here.” It can.

   

At Shabbat dinner last week, one of the other guests asked the host, a therapist, “How do we hold joy and sorrow at the same time?”

His response was we’re good at compartmentalizing. But I’ve been mulling over this question for several days, because it’s something that has been on my mind since October 9, 2023, when we celebrated a wedding for one of my daughters in the shadow of the horrors of October 7. And for much of the last year I’ve felt like my life personally is wonderful and filled with joy, yet the countries I love, Israel and America, are both struggling in dark times, one needless to say more challenging than the other. A war that’s lasted over a year, soldiers and innocent civilians on both sides dying every day, a government that seems focused on its own survival more than anything else, and in America Trump’s victory and all that means for America and the world. It’s a tough time.

We have many sources that speak to joy and sorrow as a sequential kind of thing, either/or. We see that in this week’s Torah portion which opens with Abraham’s sorrow at the death of his wife Sarah, but it is quickly followed by the joy of a wedding for his son Isaac. Psalm 126 teaches that “those who sow in tears will reap in joy.” We have similar themes throughout our liturgy, as in Lecha Dodi where we sing, “You have long sat in the valley of tears, He will have compassion on you.”

I was also thinking about this tension between joy and sorrow at services on Saturday morning. In the synagogue I attend in Jerusalem we read all the names of the hostages every Shabbat. Which can be a heartbreaking moment, to think of all of those people still at the hands of Hamas a year later. Yet a few moments later, we sang yasis alayich Elohayich, “May God rejoice over you as the groom rejoices over the bride,” as we celebrated an impending wedding. It’s kind of whiplash.

We sometimes think as joy and sorrow as opposite ends of a spectrum. We feel one or the other. But I don’t think they are on one spectrum at all. I think they are separate buckets. Most of the time, one bucket is much fuller than the other, and the predominant thing we feel in a moment is either joy or sorrow. But there are times when both buckets are empty – and we don’t feel much of anything, we’re just getting by. And there are other times when both buckets are full, and it can feel confusing holding both at the same time.

I was discussing this idea with an artistic friend of mine who wanted to think about how it plays out in color. If you have joy and sorrow at the same time, it’s not like you take two vibrant colors and mix them together into a monotonous gray. Both the bright colors and the dark colors can exist side by side on the same canvas, or on the same object.

For example, my mother passed away some time ago, now 14 years ago. When we have a family celebration, I think of her, and her not being there. It doesn’t detract from the joy of the simcha. It adds another layer.

The poet Khalil Gibran wrote a poem called “Joy and Sorrow.” In it he says,

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Life contains both joy and sorrow. They are inseparable. And we can, and do, feel both at the same time. May you be blessed with a life where your joy bucket stays fuller than your sorrow bucket.