Hi. I feel like that friend who hasn't called in forever and then doesn't because they haven't and then is like does anyone even call anymore further delaying things...People don't call really anymore but that's besides the point. I disappeared. I needed the break apparently. I needed the time and space to transform. I have less questions, a few more answers, but I'm living a life I really love.
Sooooo what's up you might be thinking? Well I've gotten weirder then I was before. My weight loss hardcore stalled. I had a ton of repressed memories resurface. I healed a lot of old wounds. I started to feel whole. I'm figuring it out, I'm becoming new. I am shedding old.
I am going to formally transition this blog elsewhere at some point. I read tarot now, and have had a pretty significant spiritual awakening. Once I get that website up and going, I will blog over there.
It will be me as it always was. It will be my life, the ups and downs and my own way of viewing it. Probably a little more spiritualism a little less weight loss, but all of this stuff makes up my identity so a little from column A a little from column B.
So, anyone here? Anyone want a tarot reading? Bueller?
It's been just over a month since I went to Utah but it feels a lot longer. Utah was really amazing. I highly suggest everyone takes a solo mission. It's pretty cool. I loved seeing that part of the country and being in the desert. One of my favorite things was walking at night about a mile to a canyon near the hotel to watch the sunset. Then I would just sit on the bike path and think, write, take photos whatever. The absolute quiet was really amazing. In New York you rarely have space or quiet having an abundance of both was a gift.
Life's been pretty a-okay. I am trying to worry less about some things and worry more about others. I haven't really worried about my weight in a long time and I am making myself think more about that. If I were happy where I am I would just chill and not worry about it. I am not though. I am not happy with where I am. For lots of reasons. Being alone in Utah I realized how much more this break up had upset me because of it stirring old wounds then it being about him. I've been examining some of that stuff. It's hard, and it's emotional. I saw a shaman while I was there for a life path reading and sound healing. It was one of the most amazing and profound experiences I have had. She made me connect with my inner child, really imagine she was in front of me, and interact with her and I almost lost my shit. This is the kind of thing I would usually laugh at, maybe throw an eye roll in but....it was intense. Betina the shaman said a lot of things that were helpful and resonated with me. She said, " I get this sense that you're in a pool and it's not that you don't like it but you want to get out. Maybe lots of kids have gotten in there, maybe you've just had enough, but you're ready to climb out." That is probably one of the best ways of describing how I feel.
It's not that I don't like where or who I am, I just want to climb onward. I know I can't without resolving some of that stuff I still struggle to connect with. I guess part one of resolving it is being open to it. Open to exploring it and not being afraid. I've been doing reiki as well which I HUGELY enjoy and suggest to everyone. It is super cool and helpful. If you struggle with old emotions, seriously, explore reiki.
I'm also taking a writing class which I am loving but I'm mining my life for content and it stirs things up. I feel stirred up and not sure what to do with it. I want to be healthy, but more I want to move forward. I've gained some clarity and feel like more is around the corner because I am defining what I want. I called it a vision quest as a joke, but maybe I did get some vision, but left with a lot of quest.
It actually wasn't very dramatic at all. We broke up. He's not ready, needs more time to heal from his divorce, but would like to remain friends and leave the door open for the future. We were exceedingly polite with one another already taking that step back. That's the sort of stuff which kills me. Those can barely put your finger on it things have shifted moments.
Not gonna lie it's been kinda rough. While we weren't together for long, for the most part it/he was pretty great. I think what has made me saddest is just accepting that the timing is wrong. There is nothing to be done, changed or worked on. The only thing that will fix anything is time. Booooo to time, boooooooo.
In a shocking twist of events I did something I am really proud of. Instead of doing the alternate between boozing with friends and hibernating for a few weeks unhealthy coping-palooza I booked a trip. I am going on what I am calling a Lady Vision Quest. I am using the break up as an impetus but really I do just want to pull back and do some thinking. It's difficult to carve this space out in day to day life. Get up, work, gym, dinner, bad tv, I don't always have the brain power to really look at my life and figure out where I want to go. I think this is why therapy is so important to me. It's carved out dedicated time to asking myself questions. I often try to do a lot and get frustrated I can't manage it all. What actually is important to me and needs a place in my life?
So where is this Lady Vision Quest, or LVQ happening? Utah. Yes, Utah. A friend recommended the place
and once she showed me some of her pics I was sold. I am fascinated by the west and deserts. No idea why, but I am. I've also been talking about (for years if I'm honest) taking a solo trip. It's so funny how if you just relax and be, things happen in the right time. I wasn't ready to take a solo trip, now I cannot wait. Previous anxieties I had around it, nope they're gone. I cannot wait to be alone. His birthday is also next week and I'll be hiking Zion National Park during it which I think is a good thing. No moping, no obsessing just hiking. I am also doing some serious hippy stuff which I cannot wait for. Chakra balancing, yes please. Life path reading and sound healing, yup sign me up. I mean when else am I going to do it and seriously and most importantly why not? Give me all the crystals.
Now...as for the dude. I feel like we might have a round two. I am not going to wait around for it or live in expectation of it. I just do not feel like it is outside the realm of possibility. I told him I couldn't be friends off the bat because it would be too hard. I'm pleased I continued to be honest and take care of myself, but lets also be real someone who is healing what kind of friend can they be? We weren't friends to begin with so why would we be now? I guess my goal is to be friendly but not so sure about friends. I've also instituted a 30 No Contact Order (on myself he doesn't know about it) and it's been 9 days since we spoke and it's already driving me nuts. It's a must to reset the boundaries and to not be his teacher of how to experience emotions, but it's hard. It's also starting to affect my ego a little that he has not contacted me even though I said I needed space. Brains. They're weird right? One of my don't text him techniques is to send a friend silly animal photos.
The biggest thing is even though I'm sad and a little muddled I'm taking care of myself. No eating of feelings, kept to my gym routine, started meditating, which I HIGHLY recommend and feel like I am boosting myself instead of wallowing. When you're sad it's nice to actually be kind to yourself in true ways instead of mac and cheese (there was some of that) I suggest it. My friends have also been truly amazing and supportive and that's been dreamy and so helpful. If people sucked I'd really be lost.
So, I ask you all any tips? Any advice on how to sit on my hands and not text? Friends ya or nay?
|Yep, I made a countdown calendar. |
|Pretty sure I can do some thinking here. |
|Between hiking and chakra balancing I need to experience this museum.|
|Yes I did buy this for trip journaling. It feels very desert appropriate and can be used for meetings post-trip. Sold. |
|Yep, legit texted him this during break up convo. Everyone meet the seal of sadness. |
A few other things helping me:
I am L-O-V-I-N-G this app for meditation:https://www.headspace.com/
This lady knows the things:http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/
Thank you Jessie Ware for a peppy heart hurty song.
My friend Aurora made this mix and it was actually pre-split but it was like she just knew....the #1 Dads song....blurrrrrghhh, exercise caution. I am however thoroughly addicted to this mix.
I mentioned I was seeing someone. I mentioned he's divorced. Dear lord....can a girl just get a break from some baggage? He's a great guy but he has all the feels and all the e-mo-shuns. He was away on vacation and had been a lovely gem, he returns and is less then 5 miles away from me and he's Eeyore.
Nope not cool. I had noticed a shift prior to him leaving but thought, eh he's burned out needs a vacation, I'm not going to worry too much about it. When he returned I realized now I have to worry about it.
I had given him the head's up I wanted to talk about some stuff. That alone made me feel a million times better, but last night we finally had the sit down. When he met me at the restaurant he kissed me on the cheek. Oof. We sat down, made some awkward conversation and finally he broached things. We ended up having a really good talk. I mean not so good in the fact that he's not sure he can do this. He thought he was further along in processing his divorce but seeing me has brought a lot of things up for him.
Some of this was hard to hear, some of it I knew, some of it was surprising, but I didn't really get upset. It was probably one of the most honest conversations I have ever had with someone I am/was dating. I was completely honest with him saying I can deal with his heavy but I need him to communicate with me and to either be in or out. I said I can't do the dancing around everything not being okay.
Timing is the worst. He said you're the best thing that's happened to me in the past year. You make me incredibly happy but I don't know if I can do the work I need to do and be with you. I get that and I've sort of worried about it since this all kicked off. While it's a bummer I feel a sense of calm because I did everything I could do, not in the sense of compromising myself like I may have done in the past. Being whatever he wanted me to be, or trying to make him happy. I clearly laid out what my boundaries were, and what I needed.
We left it at he was going to take some time to think. Who knows if his point will change. I think I did make him rethink some of it because he's been in his head. We also had a petite make out when we parted, take that cheek kiss, but I have absolutely no control in the situation. I am strangely okay with that. It will be what it's supposed to be.
This morning I got up and made myself put on a cute outfit and put a little more effort into my make up because I took care of myself last night, I should take care of myself today. Striving to be authentic can suck and means you may not get what you "want" but it does mean you get what you need which ultimately feels a bajillion times better. I'll remind myself of that tonight when I'm tempted to drink all the wine.
I never mean to stay away for so long. It just happens. For the most part my life is pretty much the same. At the same job, doing the same things, just sweating more. However there is a notable difference. I met somebody, and he's pretty great.
He's another reason for me to thank the interwebz for what it continues to bring into my life. When he and I first started seeing each other I joked with my friends that he was a Dreamboat, and essentially that's what his nickname has stayed. Seeing as I am in my thirties, yes last week I turned 34 but lets ignore that shall we? Gross. 34 is undeniably adult. Anywayz....he's pretty great and I haven't really ever dated anyone like him. All that stuff people tell you about how meeting someone should be it kinda has been. He does what he says, his actions match his words and the stuff that's important to me and I value he seems to as well.
At first it was literally dreamy. He was kinda perfect. Not that he isn't dreamy anymore but reality does creep in. He's divorced and sometimes I feel like I am dating him and his divorce which kinda sucks but everyone has baggage I suppose. For right now I can deal and I am totally cool with how we're pacing things if that changes I'll reassess. All I can do right? He's not ready for a serious relationship and it's tough to block out my friends voices saying that means he doesn't want one with me. I don't think that is the case. I think he is genuinely afraid to dive back in, and truthfully I don't blame him. I also have my own concerns. I definitely really like him, but where he's at trying to fix himself post divorce do I want to sign up for that? I don't have answers yet so no point in running away in the meantime.
We went away together 2 weeks ago and managed to spend 3 nights together in a cabin without any disasters. It was really fun and insightful starting to learn that stuff. When he's relaxed and sleepy he seems distant. He's actually content. I'm learning where my own stuff creeps into the picture. He was supposed to go away with me last weekend but we bailed out of that because he was having a bit of a freak out. It felt good for me to lay down some boundaries and to also be really clear on this is his ish and it's not a reflection of me, my worth or how he feels about me. Progress!
Who knows what will happen or if we'll continue bobbing along but I hope so. Outlook, cautiously optimistic.
How's everyone else doing? Summer's been dreamy?