I'm here tonight to accept my award for Best Slacker in a Blogging Role. I'd like to start by thanking space and time for conspiring against me to write at even minimal intervals at this point. It really takes special forces to make me stop doing one ...

 

Eleven




Eleven

I’m here tonight to accept my award for Best Slacker in a Blogging Role. I’d like to start by thanking space and time for conspiring against me to write at even minimal intervals at this point. It really takes special forces to make me stop doing one of the few things I’m okay-ish at. I’d also like to give a shout out to laziness, daily chaos and the black hole of laundry for allowing me to achieve this distinction. Really, I couldn’t have done it without you. Also, huge thanks to my short-term memory for briefly forgetting my own blog’s password; without you and your sidekicks, anxiety and panic, this truly wouldn’t be possible.

Who am I wearing? Oh, my leggings are by Gap, circa 2015.

Now that we’ve dispensed of the formalities, let’s discuss what finally brought me back here. My oldest child went ahead and turned eleven on me today. Eleven.

It’s only appropriate that, as I spend the day reflecting back on his birth, I am bombarded with media images of Duchess Kate presenting her newest addition to the world. The similarities between us, after all, are striking — the class, confidence, fashion, fresh hair and make up upon exiting the hospital. If. Only. I’ll refrain from adding yet another meme on this subject to the Internet, but I’ll just say that my seven-hours-post-partum style could be best described as Don’t Tell Me How Many Stitches I Have meets I Plan to Shower Sometime Before This Child’s First Birthday.

But somehow I pulled it all together, eventually, and raised a small human. The first time I wrote a birthday entry here for him was when he turned four, in my early blogging days. I made him a stegosaurus cake that resembled an armadillo doubling as a cautionary tale for diabetes. He schooled me on its anatomical inaccuracies, rocked his pre-school party and handed out Thomas-themed favors. It was the best I could do — I hadn’t yet been ruined by the domestic pressure cooker and fault-identifier known as Pinterest. Those were simpler baking and party planning times.

four

 

Fast forward seven years. This weekend, I’m taking a group of boys to see the new Avengers movie and then to grab some food, which I expect they’ll consume in metric tons while telling fart jokes and comparing YouTubers. Happily, Pinterest has no place in the life of an eleven year-old boy’s party.

And these boys — his closest friends over the last few years — will finish elementary school with him in June.

I was in pretty firm denial about this, until I sat through parent orientation for middle school one night last week. It was all very informative and well-presented, even in the mystifying absence of paper bags for hyperventilation. I mean, middle school? What fresh hell is this going to bring? (Working on my optimism).

It’s hard to believe that this child will leave behind the place where he has attended school since 2013. Hard for me, anyway. I can admit that familiarity is my jam, and that I’m not remotely great when it comes to accepting major changes. Instead, I totally excel at worrying disproportionately about things over which I have no control, so fearing this whole upcoming transition is firmly in my wheelhouse. I’ve been training for years to do this.

It will be fiiiiiiiiiine. This is my mantra.

(It’s the only one I’ve got and so I’m sticking with it.)

I should note here that my son is completely and authentically non-mantra fine with all of it. Mostly because he knows there will be an actual cafeteria in middle school (see ya, packed lunches). And because he has grown tired of the non-fiction section of his current school library.

Yes, my Historian in Residence is still at it. While WWII remains his favorite period, there has been some broad diversification lately. What would breakfast be without a tutorial on the Roman Empire’s testudo battle formation? And a simple Spring Break meal in EPCOT’s Mexico pavilion wouldn’t be complete without shaming one’s parents for not knowing the difference between and Aztec and Mayan temple.

{Mr. Ruyzam, I know you never thought I’d say this, but I’m so deeply sorry for not paying attention in AP History in 1988. I can see now that I was wrong and that maybe truancy should not have, in fact, served as my greatest achievement of junior year. Had I known I would raise a budding historian and spend time researching which battle re-enactments we can attend this summer, I would have worked harder. A little. Ok, I probably would’ve at least attended class.}

Where books and facts are my son’s everything, he is navigating a world in which sports reign supreme as the social currency of boys his age. While his peers play in about 3,384 travel leagues, he’s happy wielding a sabre at fencing lessons or playing his tuba (although it nearly outweighs him — perhaps a more athletic pursuit than we all realized). He wants to talk about the news and understand the world around him. His imagination is vast, and his curiosity deep. What opportunities all of these traits will present to him remains to be seen, but he has confidence in what he knows and what holds his interest — which is more than I could say about myself at his age.

As with everything, he will be the first of my kids to show me what this next stage of parenting entails. We’ll cut our teeth on it together and he will both benefit and suffer from my inevitable mistakes, some of which I’m sure will be the butt of ongoing jokes for years of family dinners to come. It will be his journey and his experiences that shape what comes next. Even though he is becoming more independent in so many ways, he is still young enough to need us in a million more.

When he was born, I set up an email address for him in his name (I did the same for all three kids — and none of them know about it yet). A few times a year, I forward family photos with notes from me. And I always send an electronic copy of the newspaper on his birthday. It felt like this curated time capsule for the last decade, and soon I have to think about handing it over to him. It always seemed so far away to think it would be his to open, use and shape with his own notes and interests and contacts and identity, but like everything when it comes to our kids — it snuck right up on me.

And so, eleven is here. For him, eleven is more sneakers than fashion. More indoors than outdoors. More funny than exasperated. More evening than morning. More questions than answers.

And equal amounts of push and pull. As it should be.

This child is unique and compassionate. Strong willed and confident. A puzzle and a delight. And a distinct privilege to call mine and to show me the way. As always, he teaches me more than he can possibly imagine.

Happy birthday to my sweet, sweet boy.

colinpearlharbor

CPFmomdadxmas2017

IMG_0783

 

 

The Year of Yes, We Loved You So

Let me just dust off the tumbleweeds here for a minute and prepare my monitor for the shock of some actual words being typed on my blog. It has been a while.

So, I’m up against my annual oh-hey-look-it’s-November-and-suddenly-I’m-way-behind-on-holiday-prep realization. My 412 mental browser windows opened simultaneously, like they can only for the person who is in charge of making all of the Christmas magic happen. And as I started thinking about the hell that is holiday cards, my photos reminded me that I never sat down here to write about and memorialize this past year.

Because, once in a blue moon, the universe throws you an unusual gift that deserves some attention.

My husband recently went back to work after being out for a full year. We ended up calling it The Year of Yes — not by design, but as a name that sort of evolved over the course of our time together.

I am married to one of the most low-key, even-keeled souls in the world. Which is good, because I am the opposite, and there can’t be two of me in a union without the inevitable occurrence of spontaneous mental combustion. We knew after he turned down a job transfer to Denver that he’d be laid off when the acquisition of his company was complete. This didn’t bother him. In his mind, he had been working for close to 30 years and the temporary time off was a welcome change.

He basically wanted three things out of this situation: family time, some travel and some golf.

I also wanted three things out of this situation: some long overdue home organization projects completed, an extra set of hands with the kids, and maybe a trip to remember.

So we had some basic overlap, which was a good starting point.

I’ve mentioned before that we are not really “must have things” people. Yeah, sure, I like new stuff sometimes but we would always choose travel and experiences first. This is why you should never ask me for style tips or what car to buy, other than a minivan that requires a FEMA-level cleaning. I can plan a vacation for you, but I have no clue what bag I should be carrying or what shoes to wear when I get there.

And so began the “hey, why not, let’s take a few trips” mentality. Because, as I reminded a 50 year-old man with three young kids, he’s never going to have this kind of time off again (#collegesavings #retirementmoney).

And so, there were lots of long weekend getaways. Local-ish ski trips. A visit to my dad in Arizona, where we brought the biggest drought relief to the desert in years. It wasn’t unusual to find me in the elementary school office on a Thursday around lunch time, with the administrative assistant addressing me by name and correctly assuming that I was there to sign my kids out yet again. Yep. Second and fourth grade is not going to send us off of a learning cliff. See you Monday, the car is packed.

16906157_255000531618248_7278836326714048512_n

 

IMG_0286

 

When spring break planning came along, we wanted to do something different since we didn’t have to plan around any work schedules and, hey, what’s a few more missed days of elementary school at that point in the year? (Yes, they managed to stay within state laws and complete their grades.) We entrusted our kids’ new-ish traveling chops, packed an entire rollerboard full of gluten-fee food for the Celiac Crew, and put ourselves on an 11-hour flight.

 

17495254_1272273496159070_1606284371038306304_n

They slept not one minute between the three of them, but we landed in Hawaii and all was forgiven — mainly because you can’t be annoyed about anything when you’re thousands of miles away from New Jersey, holding a giant coconut filled with booze while a board shorts-wearing Mickey Mouse walks by. To break up the sensation of being trapped forever in an airborne capsule with kids, we stopped in California on the way back for a few days, and finished up what was the trip of a lifetime.  We made this last point very clear, very frequently, as in: “Kids, there won’t be another trip like this. Enjoy it — hit the buffet hard and often, as well as every water slide in sight. Mom and Dad will leave no cocktail behind.”

17817525_1591127480898431_1862028529391108096_n

17881099_1409453209125116_1755688360367620096_n

17663441_691102677728495_2023839558252101632_n

17663754_1883497291940077_3778943519599624192_n

17818649_1179010208891877_3218287680009797632_n

 

17883152_1277684998967275_7906487265210138624_n

17881838_1639294812752721_4481537870724595712_n

IMG_0285

 

When the school year was drawing to a close, so came the realization that the Year of Yes would end in a few short months. Without the constraints of educational requirements and common core math problems, summer beckoned and we put a few more road trips under our belts. And in a swan song move for which I take full responsibility, we even managed to ditch the kids for a week and fulfill one of my bucket list items of seeing my favorite four people (U2) in Dublin.**

**Please note that I am not a stalker by the standard legal definition. This trip probably warranted its own post but I’m not willing to show my crazy quite that much.

20214582_123223111629465_8327027042377793536_n

 

So, there was travel. Lots of travel. And would you believe me if I said that wasn’t even the thing I was most grateful for all year? It’s true. Because, more importantly, there was also a household where two parents were home at all times, and this was really the amazing part. Nobody had to be schlepped unwillingly to a sibling’s activity (I’m looking at you, child #3 — you of the spirited refusal in voice and body). I outsourced all math homework to my engineering-brained spouse. Dinner and laundry and cleaning were shared tasks. I was not driven to the point of insanity by 6pm every night. Divide and conquer — what a glorious way to live.

The kids loved having their father at home, having him drive carpools or take them to school. They weren’t waiting around every night to see if he’d make it home from work before they went to bed. It was wonderful for them.

And I had a daytime date. It turns out that, when it comes to everyday conversation, I really prefer my husband over almost anyone else in the world. That should probably go without saying, but a lot of people would roll their eyes at me and say, “I would lose it if my husband was home every day. Aren’t you dyyyying for him to just go back to work already?”

Honestly, I wasn’t.

I liked hanging out with him in intervals that weren’t driven by schedules or kids’ commitments. Full sentences, even paragraphs, were spoken on an uninterrupted basis. Yes, of course there were times I needed him to get out of my space or stop messing with the well-oiled domestic machine I’ve cultivated over the years, but that wasn’t very often. We’d go out for coffee or lunch sometimes, maybe run an errand, and spent a lot of time together following the insane political news coverage of the last year. I can’t remember if it was him or me who threw the first shoe at the TV during a Sean Spicer press briefing, but it was good to have someone here who shared my outrage. (Yeah, yeah, I’m trying not to be too political here — stay with me — I’m moving along.)

Were there downsides to this whole arrangement? Sure. My weekly grocery bill saw about a 30% increase by having the biggest food consumer home 24/7. And with that came a slow but steady uptick in junk food around my house. Did you know that my husband singlehandedly keeps Entenmann’s in business? It’s true. I have the pantry to prove it. And if you were wondering what post-college adult enjoys buying Ring Dings or Drake’s Cakes, he’s 5’10” and lives right here. Don’t get me started on the abject injustice of his caloric intake with zero weight gain consequences; it is a long-standing pain point for me. To have him here, flaunting his glazed donut for breakfast while I had my usual spartan meal on my way to Pure Barre, was really a drag.

Also, you know those to-do list items you’ve had for your house that neverrrr get done? The ones that have been written down for a decade of rainy days? Let me tell you something super-depressing: We have them on our list and, after a full year of my husband being home, they did not get done. Nope. So, I have basically made my peace with the fact that they must be deleted because there is simply no chance in hell they will ever happen now. Goodbye, visions of a cleaned out attic and purged basement. Apparently, it’s just not fucking feasible in this lifetime.

Now and then, I’d have mini panic attacks over the course of the year about not-so-minor things like income and employment. My husband was calm and cool, working on it, knowing he’d land something. He was giving himself a year and, true to form for the way he is lucky about everything in life (ahem), along came a job just as the year off was coming to an end. You can’t make this shit up.

(Also, I do not share the good luck unicorn thing he has going — so, yes, I’ll join you for a moment of vomiting in solidarity.)

And just like that, the Year of Yes was over.

And. It. Flew. By.

The week before he went back to work, I was having anxiety over the transition back to reality. Who was going to deal with all of these kids, all of the time? Was the math homework, now a year more advanced, just going to get itself done? It all had to revert to the old way. But, back to real life we went.

It was like ripping off a Band Aid. I looked around the first day he was gone and realized I’d have to launch my shoe at Sarah Sanders’ press briefing all by myself. I had a long chat with the now four year-old about not throwing down while attending ballet/Girl Scouts/gymnastics/fencing/football for his siblings. I watched my kids cry as their dad left early in the morning and said he’d be back in about 12 hours. I took myself out for coffee and made peace with the to-do items that will never, ever see the light of day.

And we all bounced back just fine. Because, why the hell not? We were lucky to have what we did, and it was amazing while it lasted. And, frankly, it was time for the Entenmann’s stash to go.

Maybe I’ll just tackle the basement and attic on my own this year.

 

20766957_1301026796693322_7090364069319802880_n

21227170_1957953654486005_7658704348431515648_n

IMG_0283

IMG_0287

 

 

 

She’s Eight

When my daughter presented me with a wish list for her birthday, my first reaction was to be taken aback. Way aback.

IMG_8339

 

Some things jumped right out at me.

  • A pool — with hot tub. What?
  • A fairy godmother. Um.
  • Not being GF (gluten free). Ouch, my heart.
  • A cat. I don’t even understand this — it has never once come up before. Plus, we are dog people.
  • A SISTER. Oh, sweetie. We need to talk.

My mouth hung open a little and I wondered if I had raised a completely entitled child who expected wildly unrealistic things. I didn’t react outwardly at first, and then I read it again, slowly.

Nestled in between these crazy asks were nail polish, fidgets and a new Ariel night gown (hers has been worn to pieces). Now we’re talking. OH, and there it was — an iPod Touch. It was then that I understood the strategy at play. She has been asking for an iPod Touch for a year and my answer has been in the firmly negative camp. I know plenty of girls her age have one (believe me, their names are presented to me, in list form, accompanied by the colors of their respective devices, on an almost-daily basis; if the child could present it to me in PowerPoint, she would). And I’m not judging. But for us, it’s a no, for now.

And so she went and lodged this request in between a bunch of insane items to normalize it. Or maybe I was giving her too much credit — so I asked her, “Um, where would we put a pool — with hot tub — in our small yard, exactly?”

Her toothless grin expanded across her face, as if pleased with herself, as she shrugged and said, “What about the iPod Touch? It fits anywhere.”

Welcome to The Year of Eight.

There are times when you become distinctly aware that your child has grown significantly — and a look about them changes in some way or another. We’re currently in one of those phases when my husband and I see this in our daughter, with her limbs dangling longer in her bed seemingly every night. I can start to see how the more grown-up version of her might look and sound, and it’s really something. By something, I mean amazing and perhaps slightly terrifying because I didn’t sign up for things to move this quickly.

She has had quite a year, growing into her own friendships and hobbies, with a more solid sense of self-awareness.

A constant cartwheeler. Rainbow chaser. Itinerary planner. Social butterfly.

IMG_4443

Dancer. Athlete. Pretender. Friend. Big sister. Little sister.

IMG_7762

 

IMG_6560

 

There is so much of her that is not me. She is fearless, confident, game for anything. This was always one of my biggest wishes for her — to be strong and adventurous where I am not. I see checklists of caution and she sees green lights and fun.

IMG_7654

IMG_4170

IMG_6956

 

She sees everyone as a friend and enjoys being an extroverted social butterfly. I think maybe I was once like this, but it is surely a far cry from my far more introverted adult self. Who can come over? When? What can we plan? What songs will we sing? What dances will we create? How can we costume our act?  It is like living in a community theater with a rotating cast of guest artists.

IMG_4621

(Tactic #889393736 in asking for an iPod touch)

 

But, she cannot escape all of my DNA, for better or worse.

I’ll take responsibility for her propensity to be impatient and restless. That’s on me. A rule follower? Guilty (which balances out her adventurous trait nicely). Relentlessly willful? Ahem. But, I also passed on a little something to see the angle in situations, to read people quickly and accurately. It has always served me well, and I know it will do the same for her.

And, come on — let’s get to the really important stuff, like my Mint Chip Forever gene, as well as the ability to extend a birthday as long as possible. Because big life lessons can come in many forms.

I’ve written in the past about how having only one daughter is amazing and hard and fraught with all kinds of feelings. I get just this one chance to be the mom of a girl and do it right, as much as I can. At eight years old, my daughter is halfway to sixteen, even though most days that math doesn’t seem fair. Her will and drive are going to keep me on my toes forever, as I try to balance how much to hold on versus when to let her fly. I can already tell you that she will go on to teach me way more in my life than I could have imagined.

I’ve mentioned before that these birthday posts I write about my kids are for me. Most of the other pieces I write and share are more for everyone else, but these — loaded with photos and details that maybe nobody wants to endure about a kid they don’t know — are for my collective emotional time capsule, to indelibly capture the mementos of their childhood in my mind.

And there are so many. I wish I could remember them all before they change again.

IMG_8221

IMG_7442

IMG_3416

Happy birthday to my sweet, sweet girl.

(Oh, and nice try, but still no iPod Touch. Or pool. Or sister.)

IMG_8304

IMG_8242

 

The Last Fourth Birthday

I have long held the belief that the concept of the terrible twos is a complete and total scam that serves to brace us for the insanity that follows: THREE.

Three has been a tough year around here and, last night, we said farewell to it for the last time. Today, my youngest is four. And, look, I don’t have any delusions of grandeur that ushering in the age of four will flip a switch and deliver us a consistently flexible and mellow child. But I like four, even if it means he is less of a baby (let’s pretend that’s not true).

This year saw him change in endless ways, from making friendships of his own to chatting up any stranger at all, in any location. If you were on the receiving end of such an exchange — perhaps in Target, the grocery store or just strolling by our front yard on a leisurely walk — I’m pretty sure you received the entire history of our family, and maybe my Social Security number as well. Sorry about that. But it’s nice to see that his initial speech delay seems to be a distant memory.

IMG_7538

In other four year-old news, I hate to admit that it seems Thomas and the Island of Sodor may be on their way out around here, after a solid ten-year run and seemingly endless dollars spent on their expanding merchandise inventory and horrible movies. I’ll miss you Percy and Gordon, and I hope you’ll listen to me when I say it’s time to rise up in a magnificent rebellion to fire Sir Topham Hatt once and for all. His management style is outdated and brash, at best. Direct him to collect his railway pension and be on his fucking way already. And don’t let anyone tell you you’re not useful engines.

Where Thomas may be fading away, my resident birthday boy will NOT be pushing Lightning McQueen out the door anytime soon. In fact, he pretty much thinks the upcoming Cars 3 film was made specifically for his birthday, and I may move into a white room with padded walls soon if we have to watch the trailer on YouTube one more time. I also want to go on the record as saying that the laws of stalking a fictitious character are pretty ambiguous, so I think my son has dodged any legal trouble. For now.

IMG_7264

This child has also taught us that, when you have siblings who are six and four years older than you, you pick up a lot of things that maybe your parents weren’t anticipating. Ever eager to be in the mix with the older kids, it’s amazing to me how he can adapt to their interests and, uh, verbal choices. I’m starting to think his only friends in life will be others who are the youngest in their families as well.

 

IMG_6292

In between his frenetic quest to keep up and grow up, I still hear plenty of “I just want Mommy,” or “I need you to pick me up.” He still lets me sit in the glider with him most nights and sing songs while his head rests in the same crook of my neck. And, many times, when we are alone in his chair with just a night light and sound machine on, there is something I think about.

I think about when I sat in a high-risk obstetrician’s office in 2013, because I was beyond advanced maternal age, pregnant at 40 (yes, on purpose). And in that position, you expect to hear a lot about the increased risks of delivering a child in what some people acted like was an outright geriatric state.

“Unfortunately, we are looking at one in twelve,” the doctor said to me.

I blinked a few times, as if my eyes would adjust my hearing.

“One in 12,000, you mean? Or one in 1,200?”

“One in twelve,” he repeated. “Those are the odds of this child having significant chromosomal abnormalities based on our testing.”

For my oldest child, six years earlier, those odds had been 1 in 36,000. Now, I was looking at one in twelve. One in twelve. One in twelve. One in twelve. It was all I could hear.

When I became pregnant with my third child at 40, I was all in for all of the pre-natal testing that I could get my hands on. Not because the results would change our decision to proceed with a pregnancy, but because I wanted every avenue possible to minimize potential medical surprises in the delivery room. If my child was going to be born with a chromosomal abnormality — be it Down Syndrome or another — I wanted to know in advance and prepare — mentally, financially and otherwise.

A nurse appeared with some tissues, and a genetic counselor also found her way in to sit down with us. I didn’t know genetic counselors existed and this stranger was assigned to talk me off of a ledge.

“For more serious abnormalities — ones that typically result in death upon or shortly after delivery — those odds are one in 36 for your child.”

I could not breathe.

I imagined a line of twelve children lined up. Or 36 children. One would be dealt a life-changing diagnosis. Would it be mine? Would my child be the one? It was unfathomable.

I like to gamble. Recreationally, that is. I don’t sit home and bet on fights or on the weather. But show me a roulette table and I can spend a few hours hanging out with a little cash, idly trying to defy the worst odds in the house while waiting for my beloved favorite numbers to come up. I never really minded the terrible odds of the little spinning ball in the wheel because I never have had that much riding on its outcome.

Real life odds are another matter entirely. And, when staring you in the eye, they can consume you. And I beat myself up endlessly, convinced I had been selfish to push my luck and have a third child at 40, when I already had a perfectly healthy boy and girl. Maybe it doesn’t sound sensible, but fear breeds all kinds of crazy.

I waited two agonizing days to get definitive results back, during which time I mentally role played both possible outcomes in my head millions of times. I was not prepared for the third outcome, which was an extremely apologetic OB on the phone saying the sample they got was not sufficient and we needed to come back in and REPEAT THE TEST. So it had to be re-done, and we had to re-wait for two additional agonizing days. And when I got the call that the test was negative for any abnormality, I was so light-headed that I only realized in that moment just how much I had been bracing myself for life-changing news. The doctors still felt there may be a reason for the initial flags, and so there were other areas to test — cardiac, more genetic possibilities, and others — one by one, like hurdles that were individually cleared well into my sixth month of pregnancy. When there were no tests left to do and no answers about what caused the initial scary results, my OB said it was “very likely” an inaccuracy, but there was still a 10% chance something else we couldn’t test for would present itself after delivery.

But when he arrived, evicted by induction, just like my other two stubborn children, he was perfect. And to be clear, I didn’t need for him to be perfect. I don’t doubt for a minute that children born with some of these conditions I feared live very rich, long and wonderful lives. But the fear of the unknown can be a beast. And I make it a point to remember those times as often as I can when I hold this sweet child in his chair at bedtime.

And now he’s four.

IMG_7272

IMG_6686

 

I am admittedly bad at being present, feeling grateful and recognizing all of the good around me. I have a mind that reels around its to-do list and a pretty cynical view of things. But those days of testing, of waiting for results, of preparing for an unknown outcome stay with me.

My youngest isn’t really a baby anymore, but he must know by now that I’ll probably refer to him as one forever. I challenge you to find him without a car in his hand or a pretend story coming out of his mouth, gesturing wildly as if he’s a jaded man in his 70s, wise beyond his years, mumbling “Unbelievable” when things don’t go his way. He wants so much to be big and know what his siblings know, but he’ll crawl into my bed in the morning and insist without words on a full-body hug in his footie pajamas, hoping it will be a pancake day.

FullSizeRender

 

The threes weren’t always easy, and yet sometimes they were the sweetest thing in the world. I can’t wait to see what four looks like on this child.

Happy birthday to my sweet, sweet baby.

 

FullSizeRender

 

 

 

 

         

Related Stories

 
 

But Did You Die?

Ah, parental advice. We’ve given it, we’ve received it, we’ve fucked it right up on both ends.

Am I right?

I have been distinctly far less prolific on my blog over the last few months than I had hoped to be. And so, when my friend and self-publishing queen Jen Mann sent out a call for essays to include in her new anthology, I made it my mission to get my act together and produce a clearly uncrappy piece of writing for her on the topic of parental advice.

After all, I have given some truly bad advice. There were so many ways I could ridicule my own parenting mis-steps and properly chronicle them for my kids to have in print always and forever.

And then it hit me.

Why would I do that when I could instead throw my own mother under the bus?

OK, that wasn’t my exact thought.

I love my mom. She has been very good to me and has given me some very solid, lifelong advice. But I’d be lying if I said that one particular gem of wisdom didn’t continue to resurface as a family joke on a semi-regular basis. It’s the kind of thing that has taken on a life of its own over the years.

And since it was on topic for the new book, I went for it.

I typed it up, revised and re-edited it several times. I took some creative license (but not much) for dramatic effect. Once pleased with the final product — on the day of the submission deadline — I sent it to my mom with a quick message along the lines of “Please don’t  hate me but this is mostly true and by the way it’s not just for my blog but going in a book if Jen accepts it and I have like 12 minutes left before the deadline so please let me know if it’s no OK with you but honestly I might have to submit it anyway OK thanks love you talk to you later.”

Thankfully, she called me five minutes later and was laughing. She loved it and found, interestingly, that I didn’t even have to exaggerate the story very much.

And so goes the tale of how I embarrassed my mom in a book and she loves me anyway. Isn’t she a good sport?

So, what was this legendary, book-worthy advice she gave me? One hint: It has to do with the one place in New York City where she forbade my sisters and I to ever go, under any circumstances. To this day, the fear of this place remains with us.

Want to know more? There’s only one way to find out, my friends.

ButDidYouDie

But Did You Die? is officially on sale today, and is the fifth in the NY Times best selling series, I Just Want to Pee Alone. I’m incredibly grateful to be included yet again with the fabulously funny writers who appear in this new anthology.

Here’s where you can buy this exceptional Father’s Day present, or your beach reading to make you feel like less of a parental failure:

Amazon paperback

Kindle

iTunes

B&N

Google Play

And because my mom cares about all of you, too, make sure you read and heed her advice before your next trip to Manhattan.